starting all over again

So. I know. It's mad. But this weekend (and to a lesser extent this week) have been terrible in terms of food. and the purging! the purging, too much, my god, i'll have no teeth left and that won't do. So tomorrow. Oh tomorrow (the dear promise of yet another day full of potential disaster) will be another day; and i will be strong... I will reach 64, because once i'm just below 65 i'm going to be so much more motivated never to go back up to 70 again, and then the numbers must just keep going down.down.dowwwwwnnn. I've been checking out lots of new blogs and some of those girls are so tiny; one is 46kgs and considers herself huge! of course I support her; whatever she wants, that's her perogative. i would never judge another bloggers goals. whether you want to be down to 40kgs, or 100kgs, this is a safe space for everyone so of course we cannot judge :) but, won't lie, that makes me feel like i've been deluding myself because; my goal is 55! omg. is it disgusting to consider that a desirable weight! yes, i realise, it is still a 'normal weight' bmi, at my height anyway, in fact (yes, it is embarrassing that i researched this, but whatever, this bmi is 'most desirable' ie at bmi 22 hopefully i will be considered 'hot'. hah.hahah.hah *sigh* god, so embarrassed. anyway). i mean i like bones, but i think too boney is not sexy, it can be beautiful, otherworldly, elfen... all those things, but, i don't want to be emaciated (thats what i deserve, but its not what i want) i like the bones, i love where my ribs have started to show, but i don't want to be skeletal, sigh, it's jus crazy how everyone (of 'us') can be on sucha  similar mission but with such different ideas, wants, psychosis, baggage etc alongside it :) what a treat. oh lol. anyway. i must begin afresh tomorrow. graduation in HOLY FUCK: TEN DAYS!!!!!!! starve you whore, starve, or you are going to regret it the rest of your life!!!