average

I <3 this picture.
Not in a effed up way.
Just love the focus.
And hands are so arbitrarily cool.
*
Fuck.
Time for honesty.
*
30 almonds.
Hare Krishna meal.
Too much rice in that, too much ghee, just too much.
Chocolate, lots, and crackers with egg mayo... purge.
More chocolate.
Lots of cucumber with green chilli paste on it.
*sigh*
Not the best.

asian sodium fest

I used to despise mustard yellow clothing
but it has won me over
*
weird day:
just cigarettes and water
no coffee
erhmygaaawwwd
until 4pm
then mad loads of coke light
some chips and hummus
cooked vegetarian thai green curry with jasmine rice
2 x friend arrived
wine, chips, hummus
foooooooooooood
double chocolate calorfic madness for dessert
*
little victories:
survived without coffee!
resisted buying food on campus!
*
also; I think fizzy whatsit (ie diet coke) makes one really full, yah!
xxx

a little mouse's requiem

draught beer
a glass of red wine
so much snacks of matza and cheese and ergh
feeling gross gross gross
fat fat fat
need to starve need to work
what the fuck
where did the mouse go that the cat caught?

let's rather call it maintainfast

Guuuuuuuuuuys!
*whine*
When will I ever learn?
Do not eat breakfast!
DONOTEATBREAKFAST
DO NOT EAT BREAKFAST
Breakfast breaks the eating seal.
It's like drunk peeing but so much worse.
Had a lunch or supper type thing for breakfast :(
2 ricecakes with cottage cheese and chilli sauce and pickled onion
and cucumber and tomato.
... and then three mini chocolate brownies :(
(I didn't even want them!)
... and then I came to the house I'm cat-sitting at for the weekend....
and (obviously) I raided the cupboards
... 2 marshmallow easter eggs and a slab and a half of chocolate!!!
(whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)
... in chocolate alone I've had about 900 calories!!!
(whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)
I honestly think that if I had just skipped breakfast this runaway train would not have left the station
: (
errrrrrrrrhhhhhgggaaaaaawwwwdddd
: (

oh socialising

having a life makes you fat
but if I don't have a life who will make 'wowee' comments when I get thin?
Tricky that.
Chilled with N and A, and N's cousin T this afternoon.
Everybody brought eats.
Terrible!
A brought black forest cupcakes and prawn chips.
N brought mini-brownies and chocolate.
I provided rusks and chocolate biscuits.
Eish.
So today I ate lotsa prawn chips, lotsa chocolate, about 5 mini brownies, 2 rusks,
1 cup of coffee, 1 cup of tea, both milk no sugar.
And one marmite and cottage cheese rice cake for lunch/breakfast before the social/eat fest.
Will probs have some more ricecakes as above for 'supper'
even though I shouldn't...
and there's an evening plan tomorrow
and a breakfast plan and a easter braai on Sunday
motheroffuck gonna get so FAT
but I can't let myself get freaked
because then I start purging
which just leads to more purging
which leads to more freaking out
which leads to starving
which leads to more binging
(rinse and repeat)
must maintain a cool head
food is an inevitable part of life
*breathe*

little victories

Adorable Felice and her adorable kitty and pooch.
All shnuggled up.
Ogh.
And weirdly enough she has 'thin' animals...
I mean bony breeds...
I mean, agh man, you know what I mean.
Yoh.
Dinner tonight was boss.
Here's what I ate/drank:
3 Castle Lights
Salted popcorn.
Salad with lots of Greek dressing.
The salad was the usual but with raw carrots and cooked green beans and cooked but still crunchy broccoli.
Broccoli is the fucking best for soaking up sauces.
I have to eat more par-cooked crunchy awesome broccoli :)
Amazing quiche with mozzarella, feta, sundried tomatoes, spinach and a brown bread and butter base.
And chickpeas cooked with onion, tomatoes, peppers, spices.
And basil beer bread.
And two and a half chewy fresh-baked choc-chip cookies for dessert.
Mmmmmmmmm.
Amazzzzzzeeeeeee
Yes. It's a hella lot of food.
But I'll focus on the little victories.
(1) I stopped eating my second dressing soaked helping of salad.
(2) It didn't even occur to me to take a whole third cookie because I felt so full.
I know that may seem a strange thing to list but honestly I will often stuff myself when full,
it's freaky 'cos I'm binging in public
I can feel the manic obsessive gotta-get-it-in gahgahgah madness of binging
and nobody knows
inside i'm freaking the fuck out
and what freaks me out more is that no-one can tell
because if I knew that someone was feeling like that
I'd turn the music down a bit
I'd take their hands
hold them firmly
and talk quietly saying
It's okay It's okay It's okay
Shhh-shhhhh-shhhhh
It's okay.

got milk?

 

Avocado, Lemon and Black Pepper Nachos Grande corn chips
= a whopping 485 calories for the 100g packet.
And, the retards proudly proclaim'NO animal products'
...
other than, ya'know, the massive sticker slapped on the back that says 'contains milk'.
Jeepers-they-creepers.

*
Just for funsies.
What the interwebs and it's many places think my ideal weight should be:
54
('other people of my age, gender, height and weight' )
...
between 47 and 57
(ye olde BMI but adjusted for women)
...
50
(if you want a flat tummy and thigh gap as seen on mybodygallery.com)
...
54
(says Dr Christian Jesson of Supersize v Superskinny)

*
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
So same news really: aim for 55 for now, dream of 50, settle for 53.
SIGH.

*
I've got that dinner with friends soon soon.
Just going to try and remain calm
have a good time
and not be a freak
ala
eating like mad
freaking out about any and all eating
purging
especially at her house... no purging at her house!!!

wish me luck
xxx

"new girl"

I do choose life.
I really really do.
I would never not choose it.
Not after our beautiful A.
No not never.
But I want to be thin.
So bad, so fucking bad, goddamnitalltohell!
(she says's with a little smile)
I need one day at a time.
Consistency, my friends and neighbours, is what I need.
Yes indeed.
*
I got a dinner thing tomorrow night yeah.
TBB may be there.
New boy probably can't make it.
What shall I do tomorrow?
Sleep, no eat, go to campus... get some frikkin work done...
yeah.
I do choose life, I do.
But this is a part of my life too.
;)

When you were young...

I cannot be bothered to put up a picture I'm afraid.

I'm so bloated.

It is revolting.

I am revolting.

-

Something amazing I heard in this movie 'Friends with Kids'

"She's like one of my limbs."

"So what's wrong with that?"

"I hate myself."

-

mmmmmm yes

-

There's a new guy

I feel like it's wrong to even talk about him here

he's a nice guy

and wouldn't want to be associated with this:

my vile, immature, self-agrandising bullshit

-

the lyrics from The Killer's 'When you were young' make me think of him;

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to 
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now
Here he comes 

...
He doesnt look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young"

-

It's not that I'm bigtime into this band, or bigtime wild for decoding pop-rocker's lyrics
but I wonder why this song sprang to mind
...
because my reliance on romantic ideals,
(whilst also being a pathetic means by which to gage one's success in life)
make me this sad little rag
waiting for some boy, any boy
to be my saviour
and offer me forgiveness
for silly things
I've turned into sins
and I look for the signs
for him to match the mould
of the man I imagined when I was young
so that I'll know that it's finally over.
The wait is finally over.
-
And every time he does nothing
it is a BIG DEAL
and it was PERFECT
And when I realise nothing means nothing
it's a just a vacuum
a black (w)hole
well, then it's  also a BIG DEAL
only this time I'm HEARTBROKEN
-
what a fucking loser
-
because the hot boys will like you when you like yourself
*wank*
not that he's hot
and not that that is even (vaguely) a point worth consideration
(except for sometimes when I do consider it and then feel shallow, despicable and unworthy of humanity)
-
He liked me so much.
He cried when I told him about A.
He studied with me every single day.
He broke up with his girlfriend because he liked me.
He introduced me to tons of his friends.
He told all these people about me.
He said 'I can't hurt you' with tears in his eyes.
He took me away with him;
to stay in a fucking treehouse!
He brought me a rose on my birthday even though I didn't want to see anyone.
He asked me to be his girlfriend,
exactly a month after we hooked up,
because he remembered the date.
He liked me so so so much.
He was "so crazy about me" 
but now he doesn't "know what happened"
and  doesn't "want a hectic relationship".
I hate him.
I hate him so much for being so perfect.
Absolutely 100% the most caring, confidently goofy, manic, sweet, friendly guy,
ever, in the whole world (ete etc etc)
And then for becoming so 
*uh*
*shrug*
disinterested in me
quiet
conversationless
but all I can see
all I wish for is the guy that he was before
but which is him?
who is he?
how can I trust someone 
so fickle
who fell out of like with me
so quickly
I can't 
I can't 
but I must try
but it hurts
He put the cracks in out foundations.
-
purged once today
-
bloated as fuck
-
can't be bothered/too terrified to check my weight
-
sigh
-
x

the beautiful people

MmmmmMiley
What a stomach.
I tell you.
-
Bulimia is the lamest thing.
Lame like a one-legged duck.
Did you know that, as per the DSMwhat's'it,
bulimics - in order to be classified as such -
have to be of normal or overweight.
-
Well, no fucking wonder,
thanks for telling me this...
I mean it's not like by resorting to 'mia
I haven't fucking lost
just maintained
for a goddamn year
but now i'm, erh, addicted (?) to purging
really.
i purge everyday
there's maybe three days in every month that i don't
-
and it's an ineffective goddamn strategy!!!!
I need to loose 10 fucking kilograms
must restrict
must
i must learn how to again
fuck it
i'm going to have to start coming on here and recording again
it's so boring
and a hassle
but it may be the only way
-
fucking bulimia
fucking bullshit
fuck fuck
muttermuttermutter
you know why i'm so pissed
ate crackers and cream cheese and cake and pizza and chocolate brownies for breakfast
and tried to yack it all up
and it didn't really work
and i'v got social events coming out the wazoo
which makes it so much harder to have self control
cos' i'm fekking useless
-
eating disorders are pathetic
we sit around all day
and tell ourselves we accomplished something
because we didn't eat
even though we probably ate or drank something
and then we reasoned it out
oh, because 'rationality' is allowed when you can't handle being mean to yourself anymore
becaue you got tired , got lazy
because it's so hard, wub wub, to not get off your bed
and not go to the fridge
and not chew something
fucking lazy selfish pathetic pseudo diseased privileged fucking
ungrateful fucking wankers
and i'm one of you
oh lucky us
fuck sakes.