day seven (bad)

I apologise
for having such boring intake-only posts
but I'm once again holed up in the campus library
on a Sunday
writing an essay about which of criminal procedure model/s we conform to
but what can you do 
-
breakfast
black coffee
lots of chocolate peanut butter sandwiched between two rice-cakes
more coffee (of the moderatley more fattening coffee shop variety)
-
lunch
giant punnet of strawberries
yogurt covered cashews and almonds
-
I would really like to be done for the day
although caffeine will be necessary
I also hope to go more heavy next week;
going away on an 'intellectual spring break' next weekend
aka uni' organised camp
-
yoh
I hate weighing over 60
it. sucks. balls.

day six (bad)

I'd be lying - by omission - if I didn't tell you:
binged & purged
last night
ah.
-
today
-
breakfast
cup of juice
cauliflower, butternut, courgette, feta cheese 'salad'
coffee coffee coffee
-
lunch
cashew yoghurt bar
-
supper
roasted veg and pesto wrap
cranberry & apple juice box
diet coke
-
schmeh

day four (good) & day five (bad)

work work so much work
wrong answers all over the place
all over my face
trying to be chilled about TBB but THEY won't let me
"feelings"
what feelings?
feeling like shit
so I'd rather act like I don't care
(((because I know I'm not good enough. I know. I know. I know.)))
-
thursday
3 or 4 coffees
small whole-wheat tuna mayo roll
2 samoosas (stupid)
tequila, vodka, diet coke, tequila, vodka, diet coke
-
friday
americano
giant savoury muffin
yoghurt covered almonds and cashews
coffees
prawn curry roti
wasabi peanuts
BAD
-
sort out your fucking shit woman(((because you care. you care. you care.)))
and you're a liar-liar-liar

third day (good)

today
3 or 4 cups of coffee (with milk, obvi)
diet coke
some sips regular coke
a spinach and feta samoosa
a pea and potato samoosa
really one woulda been fine
a little bag of yoghurt covered cashews and almonds
(maybe 15 or 20 nuts?)
-
not bad not bad
god; going to be a horrific work weekend
essay essay essay

second day (good)

long day
campus all day
-
3 or 4 x coffee with milk
1 mixed veg' samoosa
roti with soy chicken curry
-
sleepytime soonsoon thankgod

first day (bad)

MK of MKA
(yes, I always know which one it is)
-
orange
black coffee
green teas
-
campus
coffee with milk
cous cous salad with roast vegetables and yoghurt dressing
2 pea and potato samoosa's
-
diet coke
-
home
massive binge
choc' peanut butter toast X 2
egg mayo toast X 2
chocolate
milo
-
purge
-
feeling depressed
a strange boy being strange
friends absent
flirty friend also
TBB non-existant and makes me angry
wasted time and went to the pub makes me angry
people using my work makes me angry
LACK OF SELF-CONTROL TEARS ME APART
-
fix yourself
before you hate yourself
thithinthin
thin thin thin
HONESTY: HERE
thin

at last, a good day

Beauties.
-
So lil' one-day fast safely completed.
Green tea, gum and water.
-
Not sure but think I'm gonna see how it goes tomo;
meaning i'll see whether i can keep fasting but no pressure.
Hmmm.
-
What to eat?
(tomorrow. of course)
I hear there are strawberries in the fridge.
Mmmmm.
-
Sleep sweetly lovely persons of all persuasions.
xXx

Ashamed

Lagerfeld & MKA
-
It was a bad day.
Like most bad days it started out like a good one.
Strawberries for breakfast.
Shopped: P'butte. Rice-cakes. Gum.
Then she
/skinny friend so skinny your skinniness hurts me
and you just have no appetite
why how do you just have no appetite
goddamnsounfair
and she drinks all the time
fun all the time
sex all the time
chilled all the time
thinthinthin
it hurts/
And I got a latte
and I ate like the whole bag of rice-cakes
and like the whole jar of P'b
and had beer
and downward; a downward spiral
of guilt and jealousy
and sadness and loneliness
and self-disgust
began
and I binged
and purged
and I failed
failed on the first day
how could I
?
-
TOMORROW
a tea and water fast
DO IT.
-
"It's up to you to make everyday as perfect as possible.
It's a question of will and discipline."
-
“I never touch sugar, cheese, bread… 
I only like what I’m allowed to like.
I’m beyond temptation.
There is no weakness.
When I see tons of food in the studio,
for us and for everybody,
for me it’s as if this stuff was made out of plastic.
The idea doesn’t even enter my mind
that a human being could put that into their mouth.
 I’m like the animals in the forest.
They don’t touch what they cannot eat.” 
-
Karl Lagerfeld

In my secret life...

MKA
skinny
love
burn
baby
-
We all have a secret life
or multiple secret lives
running through our minds
unravelling or creating themselves
all day every day
Some of our secrets can be shared;
desire,
fantasy,
lust,
want,
hope.
Some we can't;
taboo/warning/no/shame
(desire)(fantasy)(lust)(want)(hope)
-
Of course Edie is a 'shhhhhhh' thing.
A (((secret))) thing.
-
Shhhhhh.
(((Don't tell on me.)))
-
So my weight is high once again.
It's stressed me out beyond belief once again.
So, despite wanting to recover,
somewhatsortofnotreally,
I've come back to you to keep on recording.
My same old bullshit.
I'm sorry.
But I did kinda miss you guys.
My dear invisible friends.
: )
-
Today:
An apple.
Black Coffee
BrownieChocolatemilkToastAvocadoCaramelcupcakeBrownieSoyprotein.
purge
ANXIETY
Black coffee.
Oreo McFlurry.
[seriously. they're almost 600 calories. o'm'gawd.]
-
I need to be thin.
for me
for him
for them
for us
-
I LOVE YOU
YOU ARE HUMAN
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF
BE FAIR TO YOURSELF
but don't bother being kind to yourself
it don't work