i saw myself...

I saw some pictures on fb of myself at a gay pride festival, i'm on a float having a madass awesome time, i'm next to my teeny tiny (size 4 or 6) friend who's standing there in jeans and a pink bra, and i'm there, and i'm happy, and i'm glad that i was happy, i smile to remember that weekend, but i'm so fucking huge, unbelievably enormously fat, and i just stare at myself, cock my head to one side like a bemused puppy, and think; why in the name of all things holy would you want to LOOK like that, FEEL like that, BE that person? why? just why?!!!