i hate myself and everybody else and i want to die

i'm drunk
...
i want to cry
so: 3 glasses of wine & a double whiskey and water
what was i thinking: that he meant *you* when he said he wanted somebody to want him *you idiot*
... have you seen her? have you seen what she looks like? can you believe she is even that person?
fuck.
fuck fuck.
i hate myself
that i ever thought i was vaguely good enough to deserve what i want
what kind of vain delusional, fantasy land have i been living in?
i deserve: nothing
.: i get nothing.
i'm the ugliest, most repulsive human being to walk this earth
 and the idea, the very idea (!!!), that someone i like could like me back
revolting
disgusting
horrendous
the very idea
can you imagine?
me: worthwhile?
in the face of that?
her.
her, beautiful, sexy: her. seriously???????? *oh my god i am so hurt right now*
and my friends sober boyfriend came in to pick her up and i was fucking fucked and couldn't even stand up straight
i fucking hate myself
i thought she was my friend
turns out she's just like every other girlfriedn i've ever has: a beautiful, fragile whore that is in no way loyal to me... what am i then? i know what i am; the token 'fat girl funny friend'
*good god*
that i could delude myself into thinking that he wanted me
wanted me? wanted me????????
fuck. fuck everything. i hate/loath/despise myself
and the sad thing is;
i could way 20kg
i could be as light as air
i still *wouldn't be her*
and that is all the difference
i hate myself
i'm too old for this; it's pathetic, but it's true, i'm an ugly, binge-drinking, only slightly *derivatevly* funny person who should be expunged: if you wiped me away from this life, so i didn't have to feel this...
...
that would be enough.
*tonight: i want to die, i know i won't feel that way tomo, but tonight, oh tonight, well, i'd rather never have to feel this ever again to be honest*