61.2 feelings of unhappiness, feelings of need

I have seven days
to loose two point two kilograms
the way i feel right now
if i don't make it
i...
envision taking a knife
and plunging it into my leg repeatedly
angry rapid plunging knife
i don't know why
i don't want to kill myself
but i will want to die

i would - if i had him - want to tell the boy about my problem
i think i would have to
food makes me so anxious
not eating makes me so useless
i'd have to explain the body issues
surely?

What would i say?
I'd say:
i had a difficult childhood
it gave me issues
which gave me a problem
i binged
but i did not purge
then i took back some control
now i restrict
yes
that is what some people term 'anorexia'
although i still binge sometimes
but now i purge
yes
that is wha some people term 'bulimia'
yes
i throw up my food
and, yes, i do hate myself (sometimes)
and
i would want to tell you
that when i reach 55
i'll stop
but that would be a lie
i can never stop
*if* when
i reach 55
i will want to get to 50
just to be safe
just to be sure
just so i can feel strong
i would say;
i'm still a whole person
it's just that parts of me articulate themselves
in strange ways
could you still?
like me?
do you even?
think about me?
i wonder.

62. too much of healthy

Oooh Angie.
Look how thin?
Such an unparralleled beauty.
Today I ate:
1/8 cup muesli with fat-free milk.
1 coke zero.
Huge salad; cucumber, tomato, corn, beetroot,
vegetarian sausage, red bell pepper,
with pepper-lemon-chilli dressing
Another 'salad'; lentils, chickpeas, broccoli with
lemon-pepper-chilli-dressing.
15 almonds.
Very healthy.
But too much.
Do better tomorrow.
Always.
x

TURNING POINT (I hope)

I just took a moment to look through this blog.
Is alrigh'.
But strangely; despite the negative things going on here,
it gives me hope
because
I HAVE LOST WEIGHT.

I have not done it perfectly.
Not how I wished.
Not as fast as I would have liked.
BUT I AM A SMALLER GIRL NOW THAN BEFORE.

It shows me that:
YES.
I can do it.
You're already on your way.

As of now I am adjusting my goals.
DON'T WORRY!
The world as we know has not been turned on its ear.
55 is still my golden number.
HOWEVER.
As of now I want to focus on:
REACHING 60.
and never
never
never
going back over.

Once I have achieved that.
I will aim for 55.
Once I have reached that.
I will re-evaluate.
How do I look?
How do I feel?

God.
JUST LOOK AT HER.
I WANT TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL.
So.
60.
Do it.
Do it now.
And never look back.

63. sadly she ate

Was absolutely exhausted today (eeesssssaaaaayyyyy all nighter) so sadly, and predictably, I had a bit of a feast today; the usual minimal muesli for breakfast, popcorn (with some caloricly dense sour cream and chives seasoning), followed by two servings of a rather bizarre yet delicious corn-cheese-chilli-vegetarian burger concoction. So now I weigh 63kgs. And I'm seeing the boy tomo; like seeing in the usual context (on campus) and not to have hours of passionate sex (which is how I would prefer it. natch). *sigh* I'm not feeling motivated to diet; which is mad as usually a stupendous crush motivates me (I mean just look how I was earlier this year when I was lustingafter W. Man oh man. I've never hated myself so much. And, yes, it was fuckin' A). But I know have roughly 20 days until Coldplay... and 8 kgs to loose... that's 1 kg every 2.5 days. PLEASE GOD. I need to get my mind right. I need to restrict like there is no tomorrow. Water, cigarrettes, muesli, apples, tomatoes, ricecakes, marmite and chewing gum. That is all I need in my life right now. Have to. Must. Fuck'sakes!



ngggggggggg!
Amazing.
want. to. be. you.



Please.
Make me thin for him.
Oh wait.
No-one can do this for me.
FUCKTARD
Hungry.
for.
the.
next.
20.
days.
pleasepleaseplease
mustmustmust
*55*

calories and a minor boy misfire

Weighed in at 61 this morning. Just six *bastard* kgs to go. I'm getting compliments left, right and centre but it's meaningless if I don't hit goal weight.

I'm very open with my friends about my diet (they just don't know that I consider 450 calories a decent daily maximum amount... 300 is optimal... 200 is best...and as they're all skinny bitches so they would probably say 'oh okay' and 'calorie? what now?' anyway) and one just told me that if I stopped dieting now she thinks I'd be fine. It's nice to hear, but, NO! is my response. Personally; I need to be 55 *or else I will weep forever* but I want, or wish, that I could get down to 50, or between 45 and 50. God: that would be..... just amazing. But I'm going to worry about 55 first and foremost.

I definitely put back on since this morning as I had a farewell at a restaurant today; I could have not eaten but it would have put a dampener on things, got me grief from my bestie, and attracted a lot of attention... and just an overall bad idea. Stupid.

So I ate today: two rice-cakes with cheese, tomato and vegetarian sliced 'meat', then - out - expresso sized hot chocalate, two finger sandwiches with cucumber and cream cheese, half a mini spinach and feta quiche, half a scone with cream and jam, and a small piece of chocolate cake. Gross. Hate food. Hate feeling full; I just get anxious and want to cry.

But *small moments of happiness* my mom bought me tights: a small... they fit perfectly and look fantastic. oh happiness. Moment two; a new acquintance - gay & male - came up to me at a party on Weds and said, as I reclined on a coach with a martini glass in hand (as one should); 'Wow, the way you're sitting right now makes me wish I was an attractive female!' Hahaha 'attractive female', makes me sound like a show-dog, but still, what a sweetie.

So to the minor boy-related backfire... as I'm enjoying recording my exploits in trying to bed the current man of my dreams: I contacted another male friend to get dream-boys number and, consequently, ended up hanging with that guy - let's call him E - and my friend R on Tuesday night. He left her flat at around 11... he messaged me at 4am to tell me he thinks I'm sexy. OMG. A minor disaster; you contact a man to stalk another man and unwittingly attract man-1's attention. Whoops. Oh well; it's nice to be sexy. Just wish it was T telling me his and not E.  I just don't feel that way about E and there's nothing I can do about that. Sigh.

Ah, hotties in luuurrrvvve.
Or lust ;)
I want to be sexy for:
(1) me
(2) T
(3) to rub it in the face
of anyone who ever thought
I would never be

schmehnehnehneh

So: my 1-day-stomach-shrinkage (aka 1 day fast) was going well. Until my bestie requested a dinner date. She is leaving me to do her Masters in Philosophy at St. Andrews, Scotland, on Friday and thus I cannot deny seeing her. I'm going to miss her so much.............. She is so wonderfully mad. I miss her already and she hasn't even finished packing yet.

So today I ate: nothing UNTIL; a Hazelnut Magnum, calamari and chips & a coke zero. So yes; saturated fats, sugar, salt, grease. FAIL. God so full. Disgusting. Disgusting-fat-fuck.

And naturally this just means that I will have to shrink-stomach again tomorrow, and it's late, and I need to work like a beast so;
(a) I don't fail
(b) I can attend said bestie's farewell drinks on Weds, an acquintances birthday tea & eating event on Friday, as well as another long time friend's (also much missed and not often seen) pre-drinks and madness that evening. Urgh. So many calories to avoid. So much weight to loose. Fuckityfuckfuck.

However, on the upside, I went shopping today and (!) I'm smaller than I thought I was. Although I still feel and look fat. Naturally. I bought a top in a small, shorts in a ten, and a shirt in a ten. I also tried on several things - jeans, shorts etc - that were size eights, which fit, but I was on a limited budget and didn't dig them that much. So yah. but I still feel very anxious about loosing the remainder of the weight. Must reach 55. Mustmustmust.

Sigh. I really want to be 55 by the time I go to Coldplay... that's in exactly 1 month... 7 kgs in a month. Gawd. If everything goes perfectly I can do it. But things never go perfectly now do they.

Everybody needs a BFFE
Why does mine have to leave me?
*sad face*

'the boy' and girls weekend of dietary disaster

Had a weekend away with my babes. My tightest besties from highschool (I'm now in grad school) and I hit a farmhouse surrounded by orange orchards and hot springs to drink copious amounts of gin, smoke 'til we're hoarse and talk about sex non-stop... as one does.

Jesus, what an emotional rollercoaster. They're such lovely fuckin' people which is, of course, awesome in terms of friendship. But so much doubt festers; when they say I have a chance with him, are they just being supportive? When they say I've lost weight; are they just being kind? Is conversation full of what I want to hear, when the hard truth might keep me safe?

I need self-loathing to make me loose weight... and... I put on 3 (three. fucking three.) kilograms this weekend. after having weighed in at my lowest - 61 - on friday morning. Jesus. Jesus fuck. It was the alcohol, the carbs, the impossibility of restricting when surrounded by food and people eating it.

I'm fasting tomorrow. There is no other option. But I have so much school work - I'm doing law, I have 7 courses and I'm struggling - and I need energy from food to do it. God I hate that I need that shit in my body. I just wish I could do a Sleeping Beauty; lie back, close my eyes, waste away, be awoken by a kiss from my prince, look in the mirror and be like 'fuck yeah'. Pfffft. I wish.

Boy update: Hit the town on thursday night with three friends from campus. We invited a host of other campus people but the weather was truly atrocious and most faded. However; we'll call him V, showed up. V is not the boy. But V is awesome. I'm not interested in him, nor he in me (he has a beautiful girlfriend) but I was amped.

I was content. The evening was going along and we were all getting drunk, V was there, my girls were there and I was happy, relaxed and generally awesome. T - the boy - well, I had invited him, but the hours were going by and he never arrived. He doesn't really come to many campus-friend events, not sure why; maybe he's shy, or too cool, who knows? I'd given up on him, then, the table goes quiet for a split second: Hi. He came.

God. I felt like a cold bolt of lightning split my body.

The evening went on. I got us all tequila. We were going to go out. I decided, however, that I needed drugs. V, R, T and myself went back to R's flat. Thats me, one of my new best friends (female that is), a new male friend I absolutely dig (and who happens to be the hottest guy - next to T - on campus) and T, and me. WTF. No really; what the fuck? Can you handle; I'm too fucking lucky.

I proceeded to share a gram of cocaine with the other two in front of T. No problem. Via our conversation he knows that I'm - really, really, really - bisexual: no problem. He knows I've never dated a guy... he thinks I just use guys for sex though, which is entirely untrue. But he just seems so totally fine with me being the strange person I am. He 'likes eccentric woman'. Jesus.

So; basically he drove me back to my house at 4:30 am. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, wished him a good night, and went to bed. Why-oh-why am I not a slut???

I wish I could just throw myself at him. I want him so so so badly. Ridiculous. It's ridiculous. People who have mad crushes on gorgeous men are not meant to get this close to them. Fuck; I have no idea what to do. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know whether he is even vaguely interested in me. I just don't know. God. Nightmare. Fuckin' stress. Want him. No idea what to do about it. Need to be thin so I can - finally for once in my life - feel hot and just push him up against a wall and molest him. Must calm down but can't. God: I'm ridiculous, this situation is ridiculous. Fuckfuckfuck. *nnnnnnngggggggggg* Please; exscuse me.

If these were my legs I could die happy.
But only after the boy had fucked me senseless.
Natch.
;)