Me v Ten Kilograms

... and when I say; Me v Ten Kilograms, I'm not talking civil proceedings, 'cos this weight is just criminal!!!

- erh. she makes law jokes. erh -

I'm sick. Like achy, lazy, mucus bonanza sick. & I have three essays that I should be doing. & it's my nephew's birthday party tomorrow. & it's my bestie's Playmate of the Year Party tomorrow night. Ugh-ugh-ugh. The crush will probably be there. &, of course, besties housemate (also a friend) who is incidentally, less than a size zero, and is all round lovely, which sometimes just presses the button in my soul labelled 'Warning: Urge to Cry. Do not touch!'. More ugh.

So 3 essays, and 10 kilograms: Lets do this thing.

I ate today:
bazillion x cups of tea, no milk, no sugar: 10 cals.
2 x oranges: 130 cals.
1 x giant matzos: 80 cals.
1 tbsp of molasses: 55 cals.
 = 275. not bad. not bad.

Really amazing legs. *I need a gap between my thighs a mile wide* ; )



Kate Middleton: thin, regally thin, dahling

every girl has a little princess in her...

unassuming

just another girl

with a perfect body



in an spectacular dress



moving through the world

fragile, but oh so strong

*create the body
for the ballgown*

doing maintainence

right. so i've maintained. schmeh. which means i obviously haven't been doing anything wrong, neither have i been doing anything right. i am in limbo. in purgatory aka purge territory; which i just did, having to strip off about  a bazillion layers of winter wear (at least moderate relative skinnyness means i can wear leggings under my jeans, which makes them fit properly, i hate baggy jeans sliding down my less-than-toned derriere) so that i could weigh-in and prevent freaking out/escalating beat-self-upness. So, having evacuated my insubstantial lunch from my body, it is onward and upward with my god forsaken assignment (administrative law, blegh). I will be good, very very good, i will not eat again today *glowers at self*. But i have beaten my most recent plateau, thank god, even though my father had to announce it to the whole family (why oh why are we such a thin-obsessed family!?). why did i tell him? pride overcame common sense... which comes before a? we all know what. but of course this means that, now that he knows (now that they all know, thanx pop) if i ever go over that weight *mustn'tmustn'tmustn't* i will just die on the inside. I am within 10kg's of my UGW. madness. which means i've lost about 4.5 pounds since i last put my weight on here. i have no idea how people living in pounds manage. it's only great in terms of 'wow, i've lost 4.5', horrible in terms of 'i need to loose 20 more' *yes. 20lb. 9kgs*. Good God but that is a lot *will not get sad, will get motivated*
uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhh fuck you admin law to the power of 10 i will beat you with a big academic stick *sigh*

ooh hoo, father has just returned from shops... forgot to get me matzos : (  (only 18cal a whole biscuit wafer thingy!)... but he did get me; turkish delight chocolate *i hate you* to 'lessen the blow' oh. ha. ha. *weeps* *i will not eat you, you pile of delightful sugary death satan*

So frikkin beautiful. must. have. those. ribs.

Why are you so beautiful miss whoever-you-are?
Not in a creepy way, but is it okay if i have your body?
I only won't to rip you out of it and wear it around town.
No. Ok. Guess I just need to stick with starving then.
*sigh*

Ai ai ai frikkin family meals!

Yip. So the food terror of the Easter weekend continues. The famdamnily (brother + wife + 1 year old son, brother + 2 year old son, mother, father, self) are gathering to eat and tacitly citicise each other. *oh.lol.*

So, eaten today so far:
2 x cups of coffee (40 cals)
1 x gum (4 cal)

What's on the menu:
hake, kinda steamed in foil in the oven, with celery, coriander, white wine, salt and pepper
halved baby potatoes, roasted with olive oil
a mixed salad that my father has promised will be loaded with avocado and include 2 boiled eggs *i prefer a salad made of a bowl of lettuce*
pudding: apple crumble with cream *nnngggnnn* (gonna try drink coke zero and avoid this bitch)

ugh, my sister in law should be my ultimate thinspo (reverse thinspo that is!) she is a size 24 (no, not little 24, the big 24, at my absolute biggest i was a size 16 *disfuckin'gusting*, now i'm a 12 *and losing*). i literally shudder. fat, loud and lazy. *uuuuuuggggghhhhh*

and, since I just found out that the crush of the moment is moving to another city i thought i would pine suitably and lay down some vaguely depressing smooch-themed thinspo ; )

The other night I was at a bar with a friend of mine.
I should have felt really shit cos we didn't intend to go out
and i had like no make-up on.
But, cos I had no suitable clothes on or at her place I borrowed
a shirt of hers and a pair of jeans.
they fit.
they fit fine, they even, i thought, looked good
and she's not a fatty, ya'know not ED material (looks wise) but
not huge by any means. she's normal (perfectly).
and i'm never the girl who would ever even dare to try on
normal girl clothes
... and then this guy blatantly (he told us) hit on me
and it felt great
but then i went home, and thought about it
so he wasn't a fatty, but he was drunk, and unattractiv, not ugly
(per say) just gross in nature, and not particularly bright
(or even a sentient being)
and then i thought, well, that's the calibre of man i'm worth!
: (
fat.fat.fat.worthless.fat

The other night I got horrendously drunk at a friend's place.
I gave this boy a lascivious kiss good-bye.
I was digging his crazy-broad, lopsided smile.
The only reason he was even there was because he has a crush on
the hostess.
They hooked up. After I left.
How embarrassing.
fat.fat.fat.worthless.fat

I feel like it's a universal truth that, when you're chunky
(chunky like cottage cheese)
people will think one of two things about your relationship:
(1) you both settled
or worse (2) he/she settled for you
... and - the sad thing - they're right.
because no matter how awesome your personality is
no one, but no one, wants to date a fatty

 I have this awesome tutor at uni.
He used to be fat. Now he is smokin'.
Great mind. great style. great body.
I dig him. He has a girlfriend.
I was talking to my friends, saying; wow.
He's so amaze. I bet his chick is amaze.
My friend's response:
'No dude, former fatties always date mingers.'
wow. so when i'm scrawny like a screw-driver i'll still be a 'former fatty'. great.

When people see us kiss I want them to think of a moment in a beautiful
movie, not of infomercials.

I want whoever I'm with to be really, really, really proud to be with me.

*wow. i feeling fucking sad now. the remedy: less with the food. more with the starve. *

Kelly Osbourne thinspo

*some people meditate... i look at pictures of skinny bitches*
And Damn! She has done so well.

black corsets are *the only* corsets in my opinion.
and of course when they say drink water
they actually mean 'eat water'
and not much else

very Courtney Love
you see - that's what happens - don't be a chub, and the Pussy Cat Dolls
come a callin'

so cute. when short chicks model it just makes my day

'Yes, I'm a fucking librarian, and you still  wanna bang me.'

Fox.

Love the sparkly bra and the Dolly Parton hair.
... and also I find it interesting (perhaps it's not so obv in these photos
but is in others) but even though she lost a ton on her legs
she still has cute voluptous aka chubby kid arms.
interesting how the body works.

KO and Lourdes. Madge jnr is a stunner!

I want to be able to wear horizontal stripes without looking
like a barge.

Classic.
Like a zebra crossing but with sex appeal.

One day. If i'm real real good.

Easter

Today was Easter and my dad's birthday. We went to this pretty place - lots of big trees - for breakfast with the family...........

3 x cups of green tea with lemon
2 x poached eggs with fried mushrooms and creamed spinach
3 x slices whole wheat toast, one with the eggs, one with honey and one with jam
1/2 slice of chocalate cake
*purge* ... but i'm sure i must have digested a lot of it already :(

i'm not gonna eat anything else today. altough of course i'm allowed coffee and gum because otherwise i would not survive. *sigh*

One day, if i'm good.

tum ti tum

not an ideal day. not sure of my weight as i can't be bothered to undress. was just watching clips of Portia de Rossi on Oprah, talking about Unbearable Lightness, God, she is amazing, and she just seems so utterly lovely. I bet her and Ellen are so happy. Damn ;)

So; what I ate today.
3 cups of coffee (probs 60 cal in total)
two rice cakes with hummus, tuna, cucumber, tomato *very partial purge*
massive slice of cheese cake *purge*
... then disaster, went to bex's; and they were all eating supper! shit shit shit. horrible. bacon pasta. can you imagine. meatgreasecarbsdisgust. ... so i had;
two glasses of fruit juice (and that's like 200 fucking calories! fuck you woolworths!)
and like 8 easter eggs *partial purge* gelatinsugardisgust
fuckfuckfuckihatefood
and i have breakfast with the family tomorrow morning. ai. don't freak out. just eat something. gawd.
why did my father have to make cheesecake. gaaaaaahhh!

So beautiful. How can anyone think that love is wrong?
I really hope that everything works out for them :)
I'm sure it will :)

More.

Nothing of worth to say just yet. Intending liquids today. Aaaaaaaaah. And if I don't finish my LPF assignment I seriously deserve multiple kicks in the head.

So much of relaxed. So much of nonchalent. And beneath the surface;
I bet there's a bubbling cauldron of self-loathing, restriction and control.
Oh, how we beat ourselves so that the world will embrace us.
I am so proud of us.
But not of myself...
No today.
Not yet. ...

heads or tails?

Roll the di, flip the coin, hit the switch...

There are two sides to every story. This is no less true of my ED.
My disordered body and disordered mind... which culminate in my
disordered eating... which manifests in two ways:
1. Poison Ivy: the remedy for mistakes made. Guilt and regret beat at
my subconscious, the eating has hung weights by meat hooks from
my soul. Desperation, hope for another do-over, another start, renewed
possibility, drive me to purge and purge and purge. I eat to fill me. To shush
the anxiety knawing at my fraying edges. I eat. and i hate it. myself. the eating.
myself eating. the self that ate. that needs to consume. that is shackled. crippled.
Here I feel trapped, stifled, powerless.
I rely on Mia, but I hate the eating.
2: Harley Quinn: a higher plane of existance. Her foundations are in restriction
and control. Here i have hope. I am light, i am energised, I feel like I soar above
the mundane, the normal, and the burden of my body. With her I am free. But she
is so elusive. And enough is never enough. Less is always more than necessary.
Nothing is hard to achieve. I crave this state. I must have it.
I must be free.
I love Ana, but I am too weak for her, I am a failure in her eyes.



Felice Fawn. A definite contender for the most beautiful girl in the world
... and *gasp* is that really you? how you used to be? horror and
amazement... and hope. If you can do it, and come out the other end looking
so stupendous... could I? I can try.

Hope will keep me alive, that and nothing else, hope... and elbow grease, because; those who call it an obsession, who want to mock it, call it pathetic, talk about low self-esteem... they don't know the lightness and energy that we know, they don't know the power we have... essentially; they don't know what it is to commit, to try, and to suceed. *so fuck you world*

the more you sweat in practice, the less you bleed in battle

66. what's new in the zoo

"I'm gonna be a good good girl
though I've been bad before" [alexis jordan, haha loving that song]
 - because -
"The more you sweat in practice, the less you bleed in battle" [a fb friend's status]

in school, in friendship, in this, in everything.

MK. my absolute, ultimate thinspiration <3

yesterday

weight; no idea. yesterday's eating

½ cup of choc yoghurt

½ cup wild cherry yoghurt

3 x pickles

1 x stick celery

1 x large bowl popcorn (probs like 5 cups, eeeee)

1 x wholewheat wrap with hummus, lettuce, spinach & Tabasco

2 x coffee wth fat free milk

numerous gin & tonics

spring onion crisps :(

got coked up with a friend. ‘nough said

:)

65.5. ever closer.

1 x apple

1 x coffee (fat free milk, no sugar)

1 x iced coffee (fat free milk, 1.5 x brown sugar & a sprinkle of cinnamon)

½ a cup of vegetable soup

1 x bowl of lettuce & spinach

4 x slices of fresh mango, mmm

good day!!! which means i get to post some thinspo!!! okay... will be strict with self... just one... still : ) 

wow. just wow. so bony, so beautiful. great hair, great skin, great makeup,
white T slipping artfully off an emaciated shoulder, and staring nonchalantly
into the diagonal nowhere. just wow. and all the time the soundtrack plays;
'na na na na you can't touch this!'. one day!!!

thinspirational ""

YOU MAY HAV TO FIGHT A BATTLE MORE THAN ONCE TO WIN IT.

that over whelming useless feeling is bearing down, down, down

67. fuck

1/4 muesli wth fat free milk
1 x coffee
huge salad (soy polony, baked beans, cheddar, feta, spinach, tomato, cucumber)
1/4 cup yoghurt
2 x ricecakes with cheddar, tomato, soy polony

why are you eating like a normal person
i disgust me
i have to do better
i have to
i have to
drowning in despair

66

1/4 cup mesli with fat free milk
2 x rice cakes with hummus
1 x tomato
3 x soy slices
1 x tuna mayo croissant (horrible, in taste and principle, wanted to purge but campus bathrooms were too crowded)
1 x mug of vegetable soup
1 x salad (baked beans, feta, pickle, lettuce, balsamic)
partial purge 7 x blocks of chocalate partial purge partial purge
purge 2 x bowls of ice cream with hot choc powder sprinkled over purge
6 x blocks of chocolate
1 x coffee
1 x gum

tomorrow I will be better

hating one's self and everyone around one should be motivating... should be...

66.2

1 x apple
1/2 tomato
8 cucmumber crudite
2 x slices veg polony
*partial purge* 2 x rice cakes with marmite and cottage cheese *partial purge*
*purge* 2 bowls butternut soup with feta cheese *purge*
*purge* 4 x blocks chocalate *purge*
1 x bowl of soup
1 x ricecake with hummus
3 x blocks chocolate (yip, it's like i overate, purged, and replaced it with a more normal amount of exactly the same thing... fucked up)
20 x almonds
3 x coffee
8 x gum

i prefered yesterday (no purging). stop eating you fat, ugly waste of space.
i've decided that if i have a good day i'm allowed to post a thinspo pic. of course, as is apparent, today was not a good day.

this time. for real.

66.5

1/4 cup muesli wth fat free milk
3 x slices soy polony
8 x cucumber sticks
3/4 of a tomato
1 x salad (boiled egg, sardines, feta, tomato, bell pepper, celery, beetroot, balsamic vinegar)
1/4 cup yoghurt wth a squeeze of molasses and a sprinkle of raisins and muesli
5 x almonds
2 x gum
3 x coffee
1 x coke zero (ah, it filled me up, mmm)

too much. but still rather good.

"Oh wow. You're lovely." Love her : )

shameful false start

68. that's grad weekend for you (drinkingeatingdrinkingeating)

today i am only allowed a boiled egg for dinner with mountain of lettuce. that's it. I ate crap again this morning; muesli... then a slice protein... then a pickle and a half and another slice with heaps of mayonnaise (such a fucktard)... then a slice of toast with real butter : ( and mustard and a tomato.

This is disgusting. I am disgusting.

MUST FIX THIS. 55. 55. 55. the magic number is 55.

very thinspirational if i do say so myself

Righty-oh. It's time to get serious. It's a new term. I have another man in my sights to motivate me, places to be, things to see, and bones to protrude : )

goals *the refreshed version 1.0*

1. post here everyday, including intake, and, of course, current weight
2. everytime i loose a kg I'm going to update my ticker... and not ever have to move those numbers up again!
3. count and measure everything i consume, have absolute control and certainty at all times

substances allowed:
water (lots of it)
cigarettes
more water
cut back on the booze, but when necessary only gin, vodka, or whiskey allowed (no more wine!) with the lowest cal mix available... preferrably water, of course
fruit (keep the portions small)
salad (without feta cheese! and without any strange fattening additions; keep it to lettuce, cucumber, tomato, peppers, spinach, pickles and anything else healthy)
soya polony
rice cakes (with a minimal amount of low-fat hummus, peanut butter, marmite, tomato or other healthy options)
pickles
and, my fav, when in doubt just eat a whole tomato mmm
say no to: ice cream! sushi! mayonnaise! or eating in general!almonds! (i binge on almonds, weird)
just don't eat. just say no. the more you do it (and the more consistent you are) the easier it is

goals re life
1. of course it goes without saying that i want to be happy, charming, entertaining, interesting and lovely at all times : )
2. get enough sleep! according to sleepti.me's calculations i need to be in bed by 8:45pm, 10:15pm, 11:45pm or 1:15am in order to wake up refreshed
3. stay on campus until 6:30pm everyday, in order to get control of this insurmountable mountain of work that is bearing down on me
4. work hard in general... ie; it's not just about time, it's about effort. i need to do better and be better
5. try not to let my original campus crush make me act like such a fuck'tard (just be cool man, haha)
6. do not allow eating to get the best of me! continue to loose... work towards 55. that beautiful number. and yes my weight goals are completely interwoven in happiness, working etc, of course they are!

ah, the new boy crush just commented on my facebook status ; ) *it's the little things okay* so I think it's time for some love-crush-sex themed thinspo : ) ah, the thrill/happiness/stress/anxiety/madness of liking somebody : )

To being thin. To being desirable. To finding the one. To being that 'one' for somebody else. To beauty; in life, love and - especially - body.

yip, bit of a skins obsessive : )

 

  

aaaaah, i feel so much better now ; )