fail fail massive fail

so this weekend was an epic food fail. I'm going on 68. yip. and i'm not even that traumatised about it. you know why? becuase i actually don't enjoy eating anymore. i get no joy from it whatsoever. i just want to starve and purge. and when i don't i can feel the ana-mia juices thumping inside me, it's bizarrely hypnotic, soothing and yet vaguely overwhelming... i feel spaced, nauseated and when i sit and smoke i can just feel the urge to purgepurgepurge thumping inside like my own pulse. i hate food. actually i don't hate it. i'm bored and indifferent towards it. i just don't like it. i'm disdainful. food is for normal people. i'm not normal. i don't want to be normal. so it's back on the bus tomorrow. 65. 65. 65. 65. i believe in 65. i believe in 60. i believe in 55. i believe in myself.