so much for that

wtf is wrong with me. i used to be down (perhaps i should say depressed?) in a useful self-loathing kind of a way. by that i mean; i thought i was revolting which meant i starved all the time. Now i feel super down (i still think it must be the coke, fuck, get over it already brain chemistry!) but i just eat and don't do any work... the exact opposite of what i need to be doing. Crap. still 66. higher power must still be digging my vibes

today:
breakfast: 1/4 cup muesli with fat free milk
lunch: one whole tomato
pasta (a lot!) with cheese sauce, tomato and more cheese... omg huge serving... *purge* (of course)
chocolate ice cream (yeah, wtf, why bother purging : ( )
supper: wasn't intending to eat but my brother's ex came to visit (they have a kid together so she's part of the family) and brought tiramisu (fat-extravaganza)... which i ate... and some biscuits
have been at my pc working all evening... eating almonds, tuna (some with mayo, whhhyyyyyyy)

Yip. horrendous fuck up. if not for the purging i might almost think i am a normal fat person. how dull. i must be strong tomorrow. just gonna take it as it comes and try and stick to cigarrettes and water where possible
*sigh*

a little bit at a time

I just read something about how physical reminders are really helpful. So i've recommitted with my own no-jonas style promise ring. no eating. until you have to (and i know when that is!). otherwise the ring is coming off. it's beautiful; silver and fine, two hands holding intertwined. lovely. promises. lovely promises. a promise to be lovely.

getting better/getting fatter

Ah well now. I just got a Blackberry (yip, behind the times) and guess who was my second add (requested by him au'natural) him, yes, him. Guess who was first? A girl who, i think, likes him as much as i do (well, that must be an exaggeration, shameful) and likes to tell me how much they have in common. God. I just want to kiss him (and screw his brains out) and kiss him, and kiss him, and kiss him forever. Ah the idiocy of an idealist.

I ate a fuckload today (really really need to get that under control), but still: 66 (how? there must be a God. that likes me. oh wait that is totally inconceivable ;) )

breakfast: four slices of tomatoe, fried with two eggs and cheese (omg), on bread (wtf) with tomatoe sauce
... i had a baby-bender last night okay: drank champagne with a friend, did a line of coke (want more!), had some whiskey, smoked some weed... egh... I want to blame that for the breakfast
+ 2 cups cafeteria coffee
lunch: pasta (omgomgomg) with sundried tomatoes, baby marrows and chilli.... and chocalate ice cream (wtf!!!)
supper: salad (with mayo - omg - avocado - omg - cheese - omg...... errrrggghh) and about a million almonds *purgepurgepurge*

exactly. exactly. wtf is this shit. must be below 65. must. must must. can no longer eat like fat 'tard idiot. fuck stop fucking up

... think i got lulled into weird jubilant state cos i tried on my friends jeans (she gave them to me yah! the are so nice!) and they are: a size 10! omg I've dropped 2/3 pants sizes! shit! love it! must get smaller muuuuuusssssssttttt. must. i want him. i must do this. cannot. under any circumstances eat this badly again!!!

just fucking pull yourself towards yourself woman!

i can't handle being such a failure

66.5

i'm fucking up. i keep fucking up. i think i'm on a major coke downer. but maybe this is me. who the fuck am i: i purge and i look in the mirror and i see this vomit smeared gargoyle, this used to be beautiful to me, this threat, this romantic death wish crap, this used to be beautiful, i used to be beautiful. now i'll never be beautiful again.

i was proud of all the weight i'd lost. now all i can feel is how immensly fat i am. i'm horrible. i'm a failue. i'm so behind in my studies. i'm going to fail. i'm going to seem stupid, seem unattractive. what you seem is what you are. i'm so worthless. i have a varicose vein in the back of my knee. i'm 22 for fuck sakes. i'm getting wrinkles on my forehead. i think all the smoking (and probably also the purging) is dehydrating me too much. loosing weight should have made me look better. but. it's made lots of things worst. my hair has always been weirdly thin around my hairline and just above my forehead, the worst most visible places, now its ultra thin there, you can see my scalp, i'm going bald, i'm 22 and i'm going bald. i used to have perfect skin in highschool. now i have wrinkles, scars, and hormone related spots, and black heads, and open pores. i used to have nice breasts (better than nice, some said) now i've lost weight; their creepy. on my breasts, my thighs, my back; collapsed stretch marks. my teeth where straight. now they're going crooked. i'm too pale. i'm too fat. too short. is there anything good about me right now; not that i can see. why are my friends my friends, why, why, what the fuck is going on, why can't i just weigh 55 already. then maybe things will start to get better. what the fuck is wrong with me. i'm normally a happy, confident, outgoing, funny girl. people like me. they just do. i'm lucky that way. i have always made the friends i wanted; always, i just pick people, whoever - the hot one, the weird one, the quirky one, the loner, the socialite, i can make anyone like me. except myself. i don't like myself at all right now. i hope i wake up tomorrow and feel better. i really need to, to ge work done, to not want to cry when i think of him... to not think about how pointless it is to think about him, to hope that he can even see me that way at all. he would never. could never. i'm disgusting.

today;
breakfast: an apple and low fat yoghurt
lunch: a bag of popcorn, and like 3 or 4 cups of coffee
supper: 8 california rolls, and 2 nigiri, sundried tomatoes with feta cheese, a botu half a cup chocalate milk... purged all of that (such a waste of sushi)
then... snacked all evening: little bits of feta, stacks of almonds, ice cream, more sundried tomatoes, half a baby marrow, a piece of chocalate... fuck if i even know what i ate.......

god. i'm a mess. and i need to work super hard tomorrow. was meant to work tnigh but watched the survivor finale instead. what a massive fail. and now its 12:30am and i'll be tired tomorrow. i'm seriously considering not doing coke again (but that's a lie... i just have to do it when i don't have work and it's okay to sit at home and be depressed after... surprisingly; yes, it is worth it.)

well, let me fuck off, maybe i'll die in my sleep, at least then i can relax.

starting all over again

So. I know. It's mad. But this weekend (and to a lesser extent this week) have been terrible in terms of food. and the purging! the purging, too much, my god, i'll have no teeth left and that won't do. So tomorrow. Oh tomorrow (the dear promise of yet another day full of potential disaster) will be another day; and i will be strong... I will reach 64, because once i'm just below 65 i'm going to be so much more motivated never to go back up to 70 again, and then the numbers must just keep going down.down.dowwwwwnnn. I've been checking out lots of new blogs and some of those girls are so tiny; one is 46kgs and considers herself huge! of course I support her; whatever she wants, that's her perogative. i would never judge another bloggers goals. whether you want to be down to 40kgs, or 100kgs, this is a safe space for everyone so of course we cannot judge :) but, won't lie, that makes me feel like i've been deluding myself because; my goal is 55! omg. is it disgusting to consider that a desirable weight! yes, i realise, it is still a 'normal weight' bmi, at my height anyway, in fact (yes, it is embarrassing that i researched this, but whatever, this bmi is 'most desirable' ie at bmi 22 hopefully i will be considered 'hot'. hah.hahah.hah *sigh* god, so embarrassed. anyway). i mean i like bones, but i think too boney is not sexy, it can be beautiful, otherworldly, elfen... all those things, but, i don't want to be emaciated (thats what i deserve, but its not what i want) i like the bones, i love where my ribs have started to show, but i don't want to be skeletal, sigh, it's jus crazy how everyone (of 'us') can be on sucha  similar mission but with such different ideas, wants, psychosis, baggage etc alongside it :) what a treat. oh lol. anyway. i must begin afresh tomorrow. graduation in HOLY FUCK: TEN DAYS!!!!!!! starve you whore, starve, or you are going to regret it the rest of your life!!!

ugh

well. oh well. so exhausted. my whole body feels kindof strung out :) friday night was a-mah-zing. stayed up until 6am, took a two hour 'nap' and continued with life.ate horrendously though y'day (as one tends to after a big night )(omg i can't even type i'm so tired);

had; salmon eggs benedict (my fave breakfast! horrendously fattening!), heaps of roast vegetables, apple pie and cream, pizza (too much pizza)... ah well. back on the band wagon

i believe goddamnit!

just playing

just had a fight with my mom. she called me fat. i cried. in public.

... just playing at being a paperdoll, just playing...

keep on keeping on

today:
breakfast, lunch and dinner (i promise! just keep drinking water and smoking!):
1 cup cafeteria coffee + 2 cups roast vegetables with feta cheese and a little bit of sweet chilli sauce. no more!
(almost ate chocoate, looked at it and thought 'you know that if you do this you're going to have to purge

feeling really disgusting; 'too thin' for most ofmy wardrobe but fat and disgusting nonetheless. i just look like shit today. skin is porey. makeup just won't look good. couldn't find a frikkin thing to wear this morning. gawd. can't win *sigh*

things i observed normals eating today, oh the puzzlement, watermelon pieces + a tuna mayo roll + a bag of fritos + a normal coke (ohmygod! what are you dying! that is a binge in my books. hell a normal coke is a binge in my books!) other person; carrot muffin (a muffin! are you cracked! butter(lard) white flour (refined carbs) saturated with sugar. omg.) and, of course, they are skinny, wtf. *sigh*

... and apparently blake lively is in town. how bizarre. i mean; gossip girl has just got retarded, but still, *swoon* what a completely gorgeous girl!

end of first term!!!!!!! whaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaa!!!!1

66

yes - too much blogging today (distraction-distracting-discoteque while i wrote my assignment)
and yes - still 66 - but i'm just elated to be baaaacccckk ('cos i didn't eat tonight, sans two cups of coffee... like i said, work .: = needs for the 'caf) was looking in the mirror, trying on a dress top, planning for my night tomo *going to take some coke, fucking A+* and just thinking; i can wear whatever the fuck i want 'cos i look so much better than i ever have before! my collar bones, aaah, my collar bones, touching them keeps me sane, keeps me grounded, reminds me why i'm doing this (other than him, other than her, other than all the unrequited loves, most of all my unrequited love for myself :)) but don't worry, i haven't lost sight; I still want-need-crave 55. that's 10 more kilograms away. 22 pounds *shit that sounds high!* but not so long ago, can u fucking handle*?* (what a whale of  human being) I was probs around 80kgs, i'm sure at my highest i must have been, becaue the last time i got weighed, before *this* started (or i started this, because lets apply a little agency where it's due) I was 75, and that was on a 'good' day week month year whatever. wow. but, yip, still huge fat disgust revolt failfailfail, still not perfect, not even close, to being right, my dad said 60 would be okay, would it? would it? i don't know. i'd be happy. but i wouldn't be satisfied. iwon't be satisfied 'til i'm smoking fucking hot. shallow. moderately deranged. self-absorbed. sure. why not? 'cos i'm a little monster and i can do WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT! *so fuck you world*

i saw myself...

I saw some pictures on fb of myself at a gay pride festival, i'm on a float having a madass awesome time, i'm next to my teeny tiny (size 4 or 6) friend who's standing there in jeans and a pink bra, and i'm there, and i'm happy, and i'm glad that i was happy, i smile to remember that weekend, but i'm so fucking huge, unbelievably enormously fat, and i just stare at myself, cock my head to one side like a bemused puppy, and think; why in the name of all things holy would you want to LOOK like that, FEEL like that, BE that person? why? just why?!!!

beautiful

66

I want to be so beautiful. So beautful that he can wrap his arms around and i'll disappear inside him.

Today:
breakfast: cafeteria coffee and about a cup and a half of watermelon
+ 3 pieces of gum
lunch: vegetable roti *partial purge* & 2 slices brown bread with avocado, tomato, feta & cheddar cheese *purge*
+ cup of coffee

yes. it's ridiculous. i don't seem to be able to get the binging under control. but i'm going to make a promise: nothing more today. no more!!!

watching clips of nureyev & fonteyn, so so so so beautiful. god, she is incredible, they both are.

no more fucking food woman! so help me god!

coming slowly back around

I'm feeling worn down, torn down, re-established, only to be quenched by a horrible murky flood of emotion. Walking, talking, eating, sleeping - it's insufficient. I want you. I really feel as though I need you. How can i love someone i barely now? How. does it matter as long as i do. the heart is chaos and my mind is order and i don't need either of them to win right now. i feel what i feel. and i want to feel empowered to act on those feelings. i can't act becuase i'm fat. i don't want you to want to resist me. i don't want you to feel like the world is judging you when - if - we kiss. I want you to want me. to be proud of the fantasy of me. they say; don't make someone a priority, when you're only an option. and, yes, i think i'm doing that. i think it's foolish. i think i'm behaving/acting/feeling/thinking/talking like a fool. that's me. i'm just going with it. because, and, you see, here's the thing, i'm not stupid (although i'm probably not smart enough), i'm not ugly (though i'm fat) i'm not boring (but am i interesting?) well, it's all irrelevant. because i want you. and i can't help that.

i weigh 68. but not for long. be strong angel, be strong baby, for the world is dank place full of promises, silently made, sometimes kept *loveloveloveohlove*

fail fail massive fail

so this weekend was an epic food fail. I'm going on 68. yip. and i'm not even that traumatised about it. you know why? becuase i actually don't enjoy eating anymore. i get no joy from it whatsoever. i just want to starve and purge. and when i don't i can feel the ana-mia juices thumping inside me, it's bizarrely hypnotic, soothing and yet vaguely overwhelming... i feel spaced, nauseated and when i sit and smoke i can just feel the urge to purgepurgepurge thumping inside like my own pulse. i hate food. actually i don't hate it. i'm bored and indifferent towards it. i just don't like it. i'm disdainful. food is for normal people. i'm not normal. i don't want to be normal. so it's back on the bus tomorrow. 65. 65. 65. 65. i believe in 65. i believe in 60. i believe in 55. i believe in myself.

not a fuck

i was 65 this morning, but when i hopped back on the scale later it said 66 again *need 65*

today
breakfast: rice cake with strawberry jam and 1 cup fruit juice
lunch: salad, with saldy things feta mustard and mayonnaise *blergh* and two vegetarian burger patties fake chicken type things *partial purge*
+ chocalate milkshake
+ 11 sour cream rice cracker type things

yip, disaster, no more food today *or ever*

drunk

im drunk right now, there are two boys i wanted to sms me - neither has - fuck, i hate this, i'm misleading my  friends - and the crazy truth; he's right there, all i want is him, that's all, just you boy, but i dnt deserve you cos im ugly, atrocious and fat

today;
breaksfast: rice cake with pb and a cup of orange juice
lunch; watermelon peices
supper; tuna mayo on 2 rice cakes with tomato, plus like 8 pieces of choacalte *purge* (semi anyway)
plus 2 glasses white wine, one tequila, one double whiskey and water...

im not ugly. but im not hot either, fuck, i just want him to want me, fuck fuck, what a desperate mess, i need thin, i need light between my thighs, then, when they say; go out and get it; i would, i will, but they're just lying to you. you're fat you're ugly and he will never want you, you fat fat fat bitch, please please forgive me; but you are ugly as sin and until you weigh 55kg you are shit in my eyes. the end.

feeling low

i can feel the possibilities slipping away, the fantasy dissipating, but i'm still fat, so i'm gonna keep working no matter what

today:
breakfast: half a banana
lunch: tral mix type thing of almonds, raisins, goji berries, pumpkin seeds
supper: salad of spinach, pesto, feta, tomato, red pepper
+ 1 dill pickle
+ 2 cups cafeteria coffee

*please please please don't leave me; i need to talk to you everyday*

almost

65.5 no really. so now what should i do. i feel like i've set a ridiculously high standard these last two days. i'm gonna try and eat 'normally' tomo, even though i don't think i can, and see how i do... really really really want a safe, whole 64/65. please?

another day

the evening weigh in will tell... probs that i'm still 66... after two day od hard work, but nevermind, i know i tried hard

today:
breakfast: 1/8th cup muesli with milk
mandatory cafeteria coffee
lunch: 2 x rice cakes with pesto, gherkin, feta cheese + 1 piece of shortbread = (ofcourse) *purge*
cup cafeteria coffee
cup orange-apple juice
supper: a bowl of lettuce

why are you eating at all? hmmmmmmm?

oh dear

66. i have less than a day to go down to 65 *eeeiiiisssshh* not sure that that's gonna be possible

today i ate
breakfast: 1/8th cup muesli and milk
+
mandatory cup of 8am cafeteria coffee
about half a cup of pomegranate juice
*and that's it*

... but i still maintained! omg. but i'm just gonna stick with it... it;s gotta break atsome point... but will probs have to eat tomo... supper at least ... or something... see how it goes... so tired... knee joints ache. mph.

madness!

can't believe it! still 66.

holy shit i almost have hope

i'm on track... but i need to loose another kilo by the evening of the 15th... that's less than two days away. shit. balls. going to have to be strict. let's say: 1/8m for breakfast. cucumber and tomato for lunch. 2 ricecakes for dinner. gnnnn. gonna be horrible. also need to cut back on the coffee. max 3 cups/2? shit. gonna have to take it as it comes, i need to still be able to work... not sure if more food, more sleep, or more caffeine is the answer to that (oh ja, i forgot to say i've been waking up earlier and earlier - and we all know why - on friday it was 4:20am... not conducive to working until 5/6pm, afterwhich i'm supposed to work more at home). but, i believe, if i work hard on campus, i should be able to rest when i get home, but i think this means i need to stay until 6:30pm on campus... so then i can be home by 7, eat, watch the news (journ nerd) and fuck about online/socially whatever (oh my gawd i wish a was literally fucking about socially... i miss sex : ( ) and then hit the hay in a big way (that has a nice ring to it)... okay so that's the plan... dunno whether i can stick to it but here goes.

*ra ra ooh lalaaaa*

and yet she kept eating

... so even with the fear of gaining I, in my wisdom, decided that since i had done no work the whole day, but being thereafter tired and still undesirious of completing said work, that i needed a snack to 'give me energy'. what a fucking 'tard.

so, hmmm what can we call this - you idiot - post supper binge in A minor
unnesscary eating: a pickled onion... followed by a dessert spoon + one tea spoon full (but proper full) of peanut butter...
so then i'm sitting on my bed going 'it's okay you need those calories it's okay, it's okay'... and then suddenly 'I have to purge i have to purge havetopurge right now' and of course being the sick ana-mia-wannabe that i am i went through the kitchen, said 'oh wow dad that shortbread smells amazing (fatsugarlarddisgust) can i have a piece?' (he bakes) which i did, i took the shortbread, lovely fresh baked goods, eating as i walked to the bathroom, close bathroom door, continue eating shortbread while staring at the toilet, chew it all properly, savour it, mmm, don't it taste good......... and then naturally i stuck my fingers down my throat and divested myself of that and other lovely morsels *now that is what they call sick, right?*

well, call it what you like, 'cos i'm a little monster and i can do whatever the fuck i like *grrrrrrr*

but, yip, still deffies feeling paunchy (ie stomach aware) and fat... will she have gained... won't she... who can say *fml* i'm sure the suspense will  be over in like an hour (and of course i'm secretly hoping that i'm wrong....... i would love to be 65! *pleasepleaseplease*

ah well now

going to weigh myself later, just ate, and by ate i actually mean 'a.t.e'

today:
breakfast: 1/4 cup of muesli with milk (shoo, one whole quarter, madness)
lunch: tuna salad, smoked fish stuff, pate *purged* *although probably not too successfully*
+ 7 pieces of gum (3 cal each) *is that schmeh! or pff! who can decide?*
supper: 2 rice cakes with hummus, tomato, lettuce, salt&pepper + a whole tomato -sliced- with s&p

hmmm, gonna weigh self later, and i just know i'm gonna have gained, aaaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhhh
...
we will see : (

housekeeping

66. okay, so i came home yesterday, ate : (, and went to bed. I just curled up into a little ball of hungover and did not emerge 'til now... so just to recap, since i missed recording what i ate y'day:

breakfast: 2 cups orange juice
lunch: 1 cup orange juice, 2 pieces watermelon, a cup's worth of tuna salad
supper: veggie patty + feta cheese + sweet chilli sauce

: ( a little much. obviously. cos i'm slightly up from 66 today... but not enough to say i'm a 67. i feel like fasting in my current state is just not going to work; it made me eat more y'day cos i think i was so starved by the time i ate i couldn't contain myself *pathetic*

which means: i'm eating today... which also means: i should expect to gain by the end of the day : ( *fml*

mph

66! well that's this morning (its 9am now).
just had two cups of orange-apple juice for breakfast, gonna try stick to liquids today but i need to work and i'm hungover (oh shocker!) so this could be hard
... but then i'm just going to think of her. fat be damned ( ;

i hate myself and everybody else and i want to die

i'm drunk
...
i want to cry
so: 3 glasses of wine & a double whiskey and water
what was i thinking: that he meant *you* when he said he wanted somebody to want him *you idiot*
... have you seen her? have you seen what she looks like? can you believe she is even that person?
fuck.
fuck fuck.
i hate myself
that i ever thought i was vaguely good enough to deserve what i want
what kind of vain delusional, fantasy land have i been living in?
i deserve: nothing
.: i get nothing.
i'm the ugliest, most repulsive human being to walk this earth
 and the idea, the very idea (!!!), that someone i like could like me back
revolting
disgusting
horrendous
the very idea
can you imagine?
me: worthwhile?
in the face of that?
her.
her, beautiful, sexy: her. seriously???????? *oh my god i am so hurt right now*
and my friends sober boyfriend came in to pick her up and i was fucking fucked and couldn't even stand up straight
i fucking hate myself
i thought she was my friend
turns out she's just like every other girlfriedn i've ever has: a beautiful, fragile whore that is in no way loyal to me... what am i then? i know what i am; the token 'fat girl funny friend'
*good god*
that i could delude myself into thinking that he wanted me
wanted me? wanted me????????
fuck. fuck everything. i hate/loath/despise myself
and the sad thing is;
i could way 20kg
i could be as light as air
i still *wouldn't be her*
and that is all the difference
i hate myself
i'm too old for this; it's pathetic, but it's true, i'm an ugly, binge-drinking, only slightly *derivatevly* funny person who should be expunged: if you wiped me away from this life, so i didn't have to feel this...
...
that would be enough.
*tonight: i want to die, i know i won't feel that way tomo, but tonight, oh tonight, well, i'd rather never have to feel this ever again to be honest*

forgot!

forgot to record what i ate today, gah!

breakfast: 1/8th cup muesli with milk
lunch: cherry tomatoes and cucumber sticks
+ 3 cups coffee with milk and sugar
... supper: not more than three double whiskeys (eish! that's gonna be hard) and water, and maybe some wine if the friend brings wine *shit*

no fucking eating!
gonna try fast tomo!
peace. out.

delicious bone-infused pain

67kgs (well, ever so slightly below... :( not that that helps much)

*fucking exhausted* I weighed myself now (as opposed to just before i go to bed) because... i'm about to blow my supper calories on boozing it up with a friend, god, should i fast this weekend? maybe. i think i should try. i can't slip behind on this 1kg-3day ratio otherwise i'm (obviously) supremely fucked, i'll never make it back... gotta stay ahead of the game! *too tired to even let a cheesy catchphrase make me smile*

when i push my knees together they hurt. that's good. they never used to do that before. *cushioned by lard you understand*

when i rest my elbows on the library table; they hurt. it's fantastic.

when i sit on the brick steps outside our faculty and put my knees up; my ischium hurts. it's beautiful.

Today, i put on my jeans *a size 12 (36) diiiisssgustinggggg* there was a tiny triangular window, just below my *ehem*, through i could see the bed behind me *bliss*

But there's no way i'm getting complacent. i mean: just imagine *deep breaths*
once upon a time *revolting* i was a size 16
then; 14
now... 12
*i love lying in bed strumming my rib cage, letting my fingers play with it's xylophone like ridges and ravines*
imagine: 34"/10
32"/8
30"/6
... i don't even think that is achievable... my hips are just too damn wide... and me? without fat thighs? who would i be? *haha*... but imagine...
28"/4
*just imagine* *imagine* *imagine*

just imagine if i weighed 55kgs. who would i be? *imagine* a better me? a whole new girl? *who could possibly imagine. that's why i need to get there :)*

weigh in... 29 days to go

67kgs
I'm counting 10kgs from now...
then i should weigh as much as my friend who is a similar height to me, hard to tell how that would look on me, she's a different body-bone-build-etc thing... i will make it

i will
i will
i will

66kgs - by the evening of the 12th
65kgs - by the evening of the 15th
64kgs - by the evening of the 18th
63kgs - by the evening of the 21st
62kgs - by the evening of the 24th
61kgs - by the evening of the 27th
60kgs - by the evening of the 30th
59kgs - by the evening of the 2nd
58kgs - by the evening of the 5th
57kgs - by the evening of the 8th
8th = the evening of my graduation!

i will
i will
i must
i'm huge
i willmustcan do it

*if you can wrap your arms around me, and want to stay, you can keep me*

really?

the boy's status, as of two hours ago:
'do not wear leggings if your cellulite is visible through your leggings. it violates everybody elses human rights'
uh
huh
huh
*exhausted/sardonic laughter-tears*
really? that's what you have to say to the world right now *awesome*

i'm so fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatafatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat............................. guess he wouldn't be interested me then now would he. *yip. deliberately not a question*

it's making me want to push my goal weight to 46kg... that's a BMI of 18.2, still just barely below underweight... I would have to lose 22kgs (if you look at last night's weight) that's like a third of myself... I wonder; if I just cut of a leg and a half he'd be satisfied?
uh. huh. huh. huh.
*sigh of extreme tiredness and melancholy*

So, to get it over with, today's eating:
breakfast: rice cake with pate
then: my one cup of para-mandatory cafeteria coffee
lunch: cucumber (sticks, crudite-like things... like 8 of them) & probs like 12 babay tomatoes
supper: 2 ricecakes, one with pate, the other with hummus
 - i'll record my night time weight later... cos i just ate -

*fuck fuck fuck*

and, since my graduation is on April the 8th, and i want to loose 10kg by then, this means i need to loose:
1kg :: every 3 days
yes.
that is what i'm saying.
i don't give a fuck if it looks, smells, tastes or breathes like it's doable.
I'm gonna fucking do it.

*fuck you world*

back and forth

gah, tired, need to go to bed now...
weight: 68kgs (naked weight... so probs maintained since y'day, doesn't matter have not gained... and it's only the 9th, which means second day of short-term diet... my graduation is on the 8th next month, that's where I'm aiming the 'hotness', ie a body shape of only moderately whale-like proportions, for.

today:
breakfast: 1/8th cup muesli with 2% milk
10:30 am-ish: half a veggie patty/burger-type-thing  (about 100 cal, i hope, that's a generous estimate if you consider that plus-minus 4kj to a cal, i've been told that's the conversion, must check up on that!)
8am & 4pm: 2x cafeteria coffee (with milk - presumed to be full fat - plus a big spoon of brown sugar each time) (just gona say 'cafeteria coffee' from now on)
7pm-ish: supper of half veg burger (yip, the 'rest of' my lunch) with sweet chilli sauce and feta cheese

how many calries was that??? around 500? 1000? 1200? 1300 (eeeee, too much!) more??? :(

Ehem...
1 calorie = 4.186 kilojoules (so says google)
and, since I just don't automatically know these things:
1 calorie = 1 kcal (who knew! :) apparently calorie is 'short for' kilocarie)

*goodnight* until tomorrow... I want to be... mmm... can i even bear to say it; 66/67 by friday *pleasepleaseplease i'm gonna be so good*

another dollar, another day

weight: 69kg (so potentially up a kilo, but i'm not gonna beat myself up too heavily since that's a fully-clothed weight... and i just ate... and it's not back to 70 or over *thank the lord*)

and no, i'm not ready to reveal my height, that would just betray my disgusting bmi *revolted by 'self*

i ate today:
breakfast: 3/16th of a cup muesli (completely ridiculous measurement I know, but I eat between 1/8th of a cup and a 1/4 and a want to be as accurate as that inaccuracy allows :) ) with 2% milk *beh!*
around 9:30am: a rice cake with pate on... chucked other one again today, schmeh waste, but it had gone soggy and gross by the time i got home at 6:30pm)
around 10:30am: coffee, with whatever milk that is that they offer at the cafeteria, probs full fat *barf* but i really needed to work and couldn't concentrate, so a definate necessity I'm afraid... and with like 2 spoons of brown sugar, schmeh i know, but i had to make it drinkable *sigh*
now, 7pm: half corn on the cob (with way too much salt, pepper and *real* butter *gah disgusting* on it
... and that's it, no more for the rest of the day... *i promise i promise i promise*
... i have to say; the lack of concentration came directly after i ate, i had lots of 'no food' energy, it's always that way, so that's a big 2xmiddle-finger to all those theories about lack of food = lack of productivity... it's only people who haven't experienced it *hmmm what is 'it'?* that say these things... i remember going a week of extreme (mostly liquids and some teensy bits of soya protein the whole week) non-eating, then fasted on the friday: omg i'd never been so elated annd talkative and happy in my whole life *lovelovelove* for ana-inspired living (of course I can never compare with the real deal, that's why i say 'inspired' ;) i'm so impressed by those girls *those special girls* on a constant basis *lovelove love* you inspire me so much!)

re the boy: i behaved today, i somehow managed to be super sociable and funny etc, don't know how, since when he was sitting next to me in class all i could feel was this electricity radiating between us *or maybe just from me to him :(* *sigh* *siiiiiiigggghhh* chemistry burning like acid I tell you ;)

ouweeee

eh, it's 10:05 pm and my stomach just reminded me i haven't fed it; a nice twisting, nauseating pain. yummy. anyway. i actually want to apologise for that last insane rant. because it was insane, truly, and ranty as fuck. hopefully i can keep it together the rest of the time. feeling so inspired to start cutting back (cutting out) the food. since i'm going to try and be *sigh* brutally honest from now on (i really have to start blogging - at least recording what i eat here - everyday) even though no one sees it i know it will keep me in check *i really really really hope/pray/believe*

So, to business (and yes *speaking to myself now* you will admit all your fuck ups right here everyday)

• Today's breakfast was: 1/8th of a cup muesli with 2% milk (i would love to use no fat but i'm the only one who drinks it, and i use so little at a time, it just goes off so my dad doesn't really like buying it :( )
• at around 10:30 am: one rice cake with marmite (worst taste in the world combined with smoking, just have to say)
• then came home from school (when i say school i mean university... it's all the same thing really :) ) at around 3:30pm... chucked my one left over ricecake in the bin (i do actually hate wasting food *purging excluded* but it just tasted so damn yuck)
• then... hahaha... i proceeded to gorge myself on 2 ricecakes with pate (probably really high cal :( ) and then tucked into, minuscule piece by minuscule piece *as we do of course* of digusting, cheap, butter icing, bad quality chocalate cake which was *lurking* in the fridge... naturally i did the decent thing and, while talking to my mom; "I'm so sorry i have to go pee" *charming*. and purged. obviously. since i'm feeling totally nuts today (have you read the post below this? crazy ass bitch? who goes after someone whose girlfriend just died? i'm one self-absorbed prick. anyway. *gah!*) purgepurgepurge'd most of it out i hope
• and now here we are: i haven't had anything except cigarettes and water for the rest of the day

I better stay good. Or else :(   .... :)

you make them good girls go bad *wry smile*

what do I know about him?

tattoos, bass guitar, rock & roll and all that jazz

loves his mom loves jesus loves everyone loves himself but not enough

covering up; running from a cocaine addiction

his girlfriend, dead, dead for 3 months

… she knew, she knew, I know. shit shit shit

hand on my leg. shit

(fuck me fuck me fuck me please)

gorgeous boy, beautiful boy with a beautiful body and beautiful thoughts and beautiful talents

so well dressed

so sweet and opinionated and clever but thoughtless at the same time

Casanova; ‘you make every girl feel like the only girl in the world’

warning?

‘did you think I was gay?’

‘I don’t think you’re bad.’………………………..

‘or shall we just retire to the master bedroom?’

(I would love to)

(If only, patheticpatheticpathetic, I wasn’t so fucking fat that I woke up every morning hating myself, that my own reflection makes me feel as though I’ve just been assaulted, that I’m lonely and stressed and when I’m happy even that is a failure because I’m so fucking fat. That one day I woke up, one day long ago, and knew that the thing I feared most in the world was falling in love and being disappointed by a man, like my father has disappointed me, my brothers, all of them. And (she said) I would not be my mother, and I would not know a reality like my parents, and instead I would drink and drink and drink and hook up with boys and girls and things that can only be recorded in memory as ‘people’, I’m no slut. But I gave up caring, and I went into lesbianism like it was a joke, like other peoples’ lives were a joke, and I fucked girls, and I fucked them up, because I never cared about them and I never cared about the sex and I never cared about any of it, and then I woke up one morning realising that I’d tried so hard, so fucking fucking fucking fucking hard, to be a fun/funny/frivolous girl and so many people had believed it, so very many, so many friends, friends and ‘friends’, lovers and lies, and then I woke up and saw that I was a lie and I was fucked up and I despised my mother for what (not who) she is, and I despise the home I come from and the institution of marriage. And I woke up and saw that I was empty, ringing ringing ringing with the echoes of who I could have should have (somewhere buried deep) must be, and, once awoken, I knew the truth; all my life I was afraid of being a woman, because to be a woman is to live cocooned in the most revolting weight of cruel socialisation, failed hopes, imperfect dreams and ridiculous expectations, to be scared, to compete, to crawl like the scum of the cesspits of the earth in order to getafuckinghead to getagrip on the secrets of love and happiness and fuckingskinnyjeans, and I know now that being a woman, and, sadly, I am a woman, is a stroll off a short pier, onto a cliff-face were I will hang, scrabbling for the rest of my life, fighting, cannot stand up, cannot let go, always afraid, always afraid, always afraid, and its centre is; thefeartheterrorthehorror(of falling in love and being betrayed and being denied and being disappointed, as life has taught me I must be by): You.

Not you – boy – the person (I vaguely know) not you the individual, but what you represent. So I’m sorry that I’m rude, and dull and aggressive to you and then suddenly turn into a charming (slightly flirtatious) drunk. I’m sorry. I’m tired. I’m disappointed in (or should that be with?) myself. I fucking hate that I can’t behave (I want to laugh). I’ve just never met anyone like you before. And when you walked up to me at that party (after I had to extricate myself from our conversation to go and purge, as I always do, not for the sake of drunkenness but because purging is the safest bit of instant satisfaction/relief available at my fingertips [a terrible pun])… and said: ‘I lost you’ and smiled your wide, I think, rather drunken smile, and refused to believe me when I said your accent doesn’t make you sound stupid… well, then; my heart, my big, liberal, completely retarded heart just sort of spasmed and took a look at you and wanted me to take this body and make it lay down with you somewhere in the most alone and naked universe we could find, and then my heart gave another little jerk, and the past came back to me, and then my heart was glass, then wood, then concrete, then tar, then scrap metal, paperclips, dental floss, a million sterile-mundane-cold-hard things. Anything. This heart will do and be anything so long as it does not have to pick this body up and make it lie down with you. because then all of me, every last vestige of sanity and thought and function will be on the line… because I’m a shit-shack of psychosis at the moment, my past is manifesting in my present, which I’ve been fighting since the day I was born (not breathing, a sure sign). I cannot help myself, I have to fight. Fight you. Fight my heart. Be mean and awkward and (pathetic really). And Fat. And Alone. Because that’s it, that’s me right now, and I can’t have someone who is so beautiful in my space, because I’m not bringing you in here, and I’m not leaving, so... I’m scared. I’m bullshit personified. But that’s the way we are.

honesty schmonesty

68 kilograms. That's how much i weigh (today anyway). It's disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. I need thin, not to 'be thin', i need thin, like oxygen, like....... food (?), like sex, like love, like friends like intimacy like music and alcohol and dancing like conversations that make you go 'wooaaaahh' and skies that let the whole world hold you head in its hands. I need it; thin. It is out there somewhere and i'm setting of to find it. And I know I'll circle the globe first, because that is what it will take, but I know where I'm going, all the way round, back to where I started, back here; inside of me.

To see the world in a grain of sand
and heaven in a wild flower
hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour

... (a paraphrase; William Blake)

I met this guy...

I met this guy, he is really fucking beautiful, even though he doesn't know it. I've been fantasising about him. Deep, dark, dirty kinds of thoughts furling and unfurling in my imagination, warping my brain chemistry, distorting reality. I want to feel him. But I can't feel him, i can't feel anything becuase the whole world belongs to this body, this body that sways in and out of focus in the mirror, in plate glass doors, stretching across the shining surfaces of new textbooks, seeping to the recesses of a cellphone screen. But my reflection isn't soemthing I can only see, it's inside me, in my head. It's like a posionous vapour invading my world. When I cry the vapours seep out, and when I laugh I hear their gasious fumes shrieking through the mechanisms between my ears. everything is tainted by it. I am not free, i was never free, i can never be free, not until i am thin. not until i am thin. never, until i am thin. there is nothing, will never be anything beyond immense self-loathing in the face of the endless desire to be thin. I can't touch myself. Can't look at myself. And when the world forces me I cannot see myself. because when i do i just want to wrap my arms around myself, grabbing the fat at my less-than-bonified hips, and fall to the floor and weep for a thousand years. I hope and i pray, but mostly i am just seized by pain, the pain of failure, and of loss, and of never having, never deserving the touch of any man that i want. I am unworthy. I am vile and revolting. And i am alone, and i am lonely, i am forever, i am a single second, i am one tear, and twenty thousand, i am a human cesspit that brings degradation, i putrify the air around me, and i am alone, i am alone, i am alone. This is not desperation. It is a way of being, a way of knowing yourself and knowing the world, a way across the earth, and it is the only path i have left to travel.