i'm fucking up. i keep fucking up. i think i'm on a major coke downer. but maybe this is me. who the fuck am i: i purge and i look in the mirror and i see this vomit smeared gargoyle, this used to be beautiful to me, this threat, this romantic death wish crap, this used to be beautiful, i used to be beautiful. now i'll never be beautiful again.
i was proud of all the weight i'd lost. now all i can feel is how immensly fat i am. i'm horrible. i'm a failue. i'm so behind in my studies. i'm going to fail. i'm going to seem stupid, seem unattractive. what you seem is what you are. i'm so worthless. i have a varicose vein in the back of my knee. i'm 22 for fuck sakes. i'm getting wrinkles on my forehead. i think all the smoking (and probably also the purging) is dehydrating me too much. loosing weight should have made me look better. but. it's made lots of things worst. my hair has always been weirdly thin around my hairline and just above my forehead, the worst most visible places, now its ultra thin there, you can see my scalp, i'm going bald, i'm 22 and i'm going bald. i used to have perfect skin in highschool. now i have wrinkles, scars, and hormone related spots, and black heads, and open pores. i used to have nice breasts (better than nice, some said) now i've lost weight; their creepy. on my breasts, my thighs, my back; collapsed stretch marks. my teeth where straight. now they're going crooked. i'm too pale. i'm too fat. too short. is there anything good about me right now; not that i can see. why are my friends my friends, why, why, what the fuck is going on, why can't i just weigh 55 already. then maybe things will start to get better. what the fuck is wrong with me. i'm normally a happy, confident, outgoing, funny girl. people like me. they just do. i'm lucky that way. i have always made the friends i wanted; always, i just pick people, whoever - the hot one, the weird one, the quirky one, the loner, the socialite, i can make anyone like me. except myself. i don't like myself at all right now. i hope i wake up tomorrow and feel better. i really need to, to ge work done, to not want to cry when i think of him... to not think about how pointless it is to think about him, to hope that he can even see me that way at all. he would never. could never. i'm disgusting.
today;
breakfast: an apple and low fat yoghurt
lunch: a bag of popcorn, and like 3 or 4 cups of coffee
supper: 8 california rolls, and 2 nigiri, sundried tomatoes with feta cheese, a botu half a cup chocalate milk... purged all of that (such a waste of sushi)
then... snacked all evening: little bits of feta, stacks of almonds, ice cream, more sundried tomatoes, half a baby marrow, a piece of chocalate... fuck if i even know what i ate.......
god. i'm a mess. and i need to work super hard tomorrow. was meant to work tnigh but watched the survivor finale instead. what a massive fail. and now its 12:30am and i'll be tired tomorrow. i'm seriously considering not doing coke again (but that's a lie... i just have to do it when i don't have work and it's okay to sit at home and be depressed after... surprisingly; yes, it is worth it.)
well, let me fuck off, maybe i'll die in my sleep, at least then i can relax.
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