what's new puddy-tat? am I just a copy-cat?

A copy-cat anorexic. Someone who mimics the symptoms of a 'real eating disorder'/real eating disorder in order to achieve the major side-effect aka drastic weight-loss/

Maybe I is. Maybe I ain't. But if I is, I's sure a good at it ;).

What's prompting this ramble; I just watched an interesting vid posted by a girl to her tumblr. She is very anti pro-ana. She hates us. She thinks we're fucktards. *I'm sure she has a bit of a point, but doesn't everyone* However miss thang does acknowledge that fucktards - like myself - who get involved in this community may, potentially, trigger a lurking disorder. We might end up being legit in her eyes. lol.

Anyhow; do I have an eating disorder?

I don't know. I believe I definitely had, past tense, something that feels like, and also objectively *ya'know using my brain and all* seems to have been huge issues with food: bingingbingingbingingbinging. I'm pretty sure that thing. Those years and years and years of fucking torment that I remember; I think that was disordered to the point of being a disorder. And the crazy thing; I only see it now, in all it's repulsive clarity, now that I'm within a normal weight range (no longer obese, if one trusts good old BMI). And I've taken it round the other way; I love calorie counting. restricting. i don't like purging but i thank god for it. and then i don't. and then i do. So in a way; I'm better now. In another; I may have triggered my EDNOS type thing into rearing a skinnier, but more problematic, spectre.

Do I have an eating disorder? Did I? I really cannot, and refuse to, say. It seems pretty fashionable - in this space - to deny having anorexia/bulimia/something classifiable (even EDNOS). I fully respect that.What those girls say; it makes total sense to me. However, to re-approach the vlogger, I think it is overly simplistic, if not naive, to portray disorders as some kind of externally realised totem to which victims are ascribed and which wannabes attempt to climb. We all know that, in crazy-people-science, diagnosis itself is a hugely controversial issue. Some would even say it is a huge part of the problem. I'm not all that concerned with working out what I am. I am concerned with being thin. That is why I'm here. That is all there is to it.

Love this lil creature.
She is so creepy.
And so delightfully small.
Yes, yes, she's a child, whatever.
TODAY'S INTAKE.
2 pieces of watermelon-flavoured gum.
10 cals.
niiiiiiiiiiiiiccccceeeee

if can't get this right, i'll die, i'll simply curl up and die, or even worse... i'll keeping living, wishing everyday that i had.

What a morbid title. But no matter. I want to talk about the boy, the new boy, the perfect boy. His perfect eyes, his perfect collar-bones, his perfect body. 

I hate it. I hate that my body makes me so unworthy. I want him. For one hour. For a night. The thought of more than that stresses me out exponentially.

The sight of his ex-girlfriend, whom I shamelessly stalked via facebook, has had a similarly discombobulatory effect. Firstly; many, almost all, of her profile pictures include him. It's so bizarre to see him as one half of a couple. His body language; it makes me start imagining them together..... together. She seems to be very weird. Somewhat... tacky? trashy? or perhaps just 'who gives a fuck?' which might work for her. But she's thinner than me.

Of course she is.

Everyone is thinner than me - yes, everyone on the goddamn planet, I don't give a fuck about realism or perspective right now - and it just breaks me apart. Breaks me wide open.

He has this really soft voice, soft but really deep, and a really throaty masculine laugh, it's so......... He's dark; his skin, his eyes, his hair. He's smart. Funny. Clever. Makes silly immature jokes of the kind that I definitely appreciate. He flirts.

But I'm sure I'm not the only one.

He's what people would call, without a doubt, 'baby-faced' but his body........ my God........... I've never really been attracted to a 'buff' guy before. Never. I prefer them toned. Or even slightly androgynous. But him. God. He's just the right height for me; taller but not tall. Broad shoulders. Muscles; there is a lot of perfectly proportioned, not too much, not too little, muscle. I just know he's hiding a six pack under there. God, I just want him to pick me up with those perfect arms and have his way with me, and me with him, of course.

It's incomprehensible how debilitating it is to be this attracted to someone. My self-worth is shattered. My eating is all over the fucking place (fuckfuckfuckfuck). I can't look at him, can't have a proper conversation with him, I just feel like I'm making a complete and total ass out of myself. Why; well... if I were thin... if I weighed 55.... instead of 65.... well..... things would be different. That may sound ridiculous; but, the thing is, I know myself. I know how I am with guys. I know I could end up, slightly tipsy, kissing him, my hands running up his perfect arms, over his perfect shoulders, clasped behind that beautiful head. I want him. I want to be thin.

Emaciated LiLo.
Love.love.love. it
So fucking hot.
The way I feel right now:
Dying to be thin.

I miss...

I miss who I was
when I was here
and here was who I was

there is no one better than she

day 61

1/8 cup muesli wth ff milk
2 dry rice cakes
tbsp of pumpkin seeds
coffee, black
1 whole tomato
8 cucumber crudites
2 pickles
1 cup lf cocoa
.... and then i went out for dinner at a friends place and it all went horribly wrong...
2 glasses red wine
2 servings pasta and salad
slice of milk tart
piece of tiramisu
choc milkshake
purge. but it was too late and most of that has now diffused into my body...

nearly 66kgs

tomorrow: day 60. i have to have to have to have to do this thing. i have to.

day 62

I say day 62 because it's 62 days until Coldplay. And one does need a goal, doesn't one?

CW: just over 65kgs *oh vomit*

Today was depressingly nutritionally sound. Yet disturbingly high in calories. Why does my body want to eat like a normal person. I mean, who's in charge here? Hello... brain? Are you in there?!

the F word:
1/8 cup muesli with ff milk
1 x campus coffee (with 1sp suga and milk with fat in it of some kind)
1 x tea (also milk of some nature, there my hae been sugar)
1 x salad (1/2 can cocktail shrimp, half an avocado, lots of lettuce, chilli-lemon-olive oil dressing)
1 x piece dried mango
3 x almonds
1 x salad (repeat of above)
8 x baby tomatoes with hummus
8 x almonds
couple of sips of each-mango juice
1 x orange

fuck me. so basically; i health binged. *sigh*

warning of imminent boring

So, I need to be back here: I have an impending highschool reunion (the horror, so unbecoming) and if i don't look hot!!! heaven help us all. My self-loathing has dissipated somewhat. which is extremely unhelpful when it comes to analand. all i can say is; i'm recommitting. and this is the space in which i will do it. and by it i mean; lose a fuckload of weight. So, yes, I'm back *beats self over head* and i'm going to *nnnnnggggggggggg* record my intake everyday. every-frikkin-day *wallops self again*

i must must must get back into the place of true restriction. the hungry days. a recipe for losing. so tomorrow it begins, afresh, anew, but most importantly: again. stronger. better. going harder than before *oh god*