because i'm committed to being honest...

more amazing Felice
-
because i'm committed to being honest here
every moment of every day
-
i binged again
the thing is; there is no such thing as
'a little out of control eating'
you are either in control or out
-
so i thought i'd just have a little soy protein
cue binge: protein-tuna-feta-balsamic-tomato-provita-
yoghurt-brownie-brownie-milk-muesli: purge
-
water and cigarettes
that's what i need
i need to be small
being small makes me happy
i need to be small
water and cigarettes
try and remind yourself
that once you've said no more
it really must be no more
because you are never off that slippery slope
and if you give an inch
in the state that you're in
you will automatically slide a mile
-
50kgs
i want to be 50kgs
i need it
and only i can give myself that gift
so be strong
-
water and cigarettes
-
be strong
-
love
x

tum-ti-tum-tum

Haters gonna hate.
But
I <3 Felice.

She's just so gorgeous.
-
ate:
about 3 dessert spoons cooked oats
half green apple
2 rice cakes
1 coke light
a tomato
8 cucumber crudites
binge: fish-toast-mayonnaise-cheese-tomato-salt-pepper-peanutbutter-honey-toast
-peanutbutter-honey-toast-peanutbutter-honey-toast-
butter-butter-butter-butter-
brownie-brownie
milkshake-milkshake:
purge
-
yes i realise the insane binging is a problem
and yes
that was all 'one binge' i ate all that food in about 15-20 mins
yes i wanted to do it
no i did not enjoy it
yes sometimes it did taste good
yes i was so full i was in pain
but i'm grieving and i can't deal with trying to fix too much right now
hopefully i can remain in control tomorrow
-
no more eating today
only gum and coffee
-
tomorrow i would be really grateful
if i were able to
come home
and not binge
really really grateful
if i could manage
really really
-
i know you think i'm in control of it
no
i'm not
-
love to you, dear reader
x

it's a long road

I went to school with her.
An actual-real-no-jokes model.
Her diet is hectic (or so I hear): only raw food, no alcohol.
And they're always pressuring her to lose more weight.
-
Therapy today: cry cry cry.
exhaustion
-
boy fail too
-
ate:
half a green apple
a pea and potato samoosa
one black americano
one black expresso
1 piece gum
Binge: muesli-melon-protein-peanutbutter-milk-
nesquik-brownie-brownie-brownie=brownie; purge.
-
so you better not eat anything else today
stupid bitch
*love you*
...
especially if you want to weigh 60 by friday night for Beaulah
lol
xoxo

second chances

Aren't they beautiful?

Sure - I've been having a rough time.
But today was the first time - since the 18th of January (the day of her diagnosis) -
that I didn't binge, and didn't purge.
I also realise that - despite the pangs it causes my little heart - that I am
so lucky
so so lucky
to have passed my exams
and to be in the same class as
TBB
'that beautiful boy'
and I want to feel free
be proud of me
and continue to be his friend
and live in hope
being grateful
and working toward being better
being TBG
'that beautiful girl'
; )

Bitch please: I be crazy right now

Still cannot get a fuckin' thing right: my 'control' lasted all of - oh - about 40 minutes. My brother came round and next thing I knew I had my face in a bowl of tuna-tomato-onion-mayonnaise on Provita. Mayonnaise. WHO THE FUCK EATS MAYONNAISE?!?!? Have you lost your Godforsaken mind? What is wrong with you? So what - your best friend ups and dies - and you think getting fat will; what Whatwhatwhatfuckingwhat? Huh? Huh! HUH?! You absolutely raging nutcase. You eat mayonnnnnaaaaiiiseeeee, an entire caaaaaaaan of tuna, a millllliiion Provitas (3 is the goddamn equivalent of a slice of bread!!!). Oh but wait - yes folks - there's more: more provita, huge slices of slab'oh'lard cheddar cheese, honey, fruit yoghurt mixed with a plum and sugary-dense-crud-ballsack muesli!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For the love of Christ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!

*excuse me while I go refill that 2 litre Coke Zero bottle with water and down that bitch*

Fuck. Fuuuuuuck. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkk. 

Yeah. And you know what you way now right? Do yah?

62 kilograms - fatfuckage - that's 137 pounds and a BMI of 24.5

You disgust me. Yes. I disgust myself. 

SO STOP BITCHING AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Do you think Miranda Kerr has this kind of attitude? Fuck. Just so much swearing and loathing and desperation and embarrassment and just: Horror. Sheer horror.

You know who I want to look like. Gaga. That's who. Skinny Gaga. Man; she is the bomb. Love love love. I WANT TO BE A LITTLE MONSTER. A TEENY TINY EMACIATED SEXY AS ALL HELL MONSTER. *shit* I am such a wreck right now.

You know what.
I'm not fasting tomorrow.
I'm just gonna RESTRICT like a mofo.

And I'm gonna stay on campus - working - until the library closes.
5pm?

I have to eat as little as possible.
?
What the hell does that even mean.

Maybe:
1/8 cup plain oats for breakfast.
Black coffee.
Salad for lunch.
Salad with minimal soy protein for dinner.

No carbs. No fruit (or sugar of any kind). No dairy. No snacking.

Please Lord let me get it right!
I want to be the little girl-monster with the boots and the big hair
and the kick-you-in-the-nads-boots and the big man that makes me look like a frikkin pixie. 

Skinny Gaga
=
Perfection
(shit my jaw is so busted from purging)
*balls*
FIX THIS.
NOW.

In a state of perpetual fuckuptitude

If only.

I can't seem to sort my shit out.
Today was going okay.
Apple-cinnamon oatmeal for breakfast.
Then a salad (free of all bad things; no cheese, olive oil or the like)
with some soy protein, for lunch.
followed by 30 almonds.
(I tell myself this is good protein... a tad too much but...)
2 low-cal iced coffees
(yes, with sugar, but with minimal fat-free milk and topped up with heaps of water)
... then...
*sigh*
1 rice-cake with peanut-butter and jam.
that was okay.
but an uncalled for snack...
then: wham; three chocolate brownies with milk
*purge*
18 pistachios
and bowl upon bowl of sugary muesli with Nesquik
*purge*
FUCK
WHEN - OH WHEN - WILL I STOP BINGING & PURGING
no more cals tonight
and a punishment fast tomorrow
even though I have school
Intermediate year Law
8 fucking subjects
-
Criminal Law
Criminal Procedure
Civil Procedure
Corporation Law
Contract Law
Law of Succession
Law of Delict
Interpretation of Statutes
&
bloody compulsory community service
FUCK ME *sideways*
-
it's been one week and I'm already completely behind
*what a sad-sack I am*
all this self-pity
it's dreary
fucks sake
get it together woman!
Who's in control here?!
It's your body! Your life!
Goddamn.

Yes.
Yes indeed.

Angelic

So I made it: cigarettes, water, Coke Zero, gum (watermelon flavour, strawberry flavour). Fasted faster fasted. My friends ate dinner in front of me: spicy pasta salad, bean salad, chickpea and barley salad, and for dessert; chocolate yogurt with choc-caramel-granola bar crumbled in... and gooseberries... and Vitamin Water. WTF. Vitamin Water. Psht. That shit is fruit juice equipped with a effective and evil marketing spin shrouding the caloric reality. I had: Coke Zero with ice and three cigarettes. Then we went to go watch a movie: walked past Mac Donalds, got enveloped in the salty and buttery smell of popcorn, let the images of Southern cooking (we watched The Help - yes - it is fantastic) wash over me (into me, through me). They shared a large Coke and a box of Smarties. I drank a bottle of water. I'm glad - so glad - I managed to show some self-control (even if only for one measly worthless day). My boobs are huge at the moment - thanx to the pill - which has completely fueled my love for the Victoria's Secret Angels. Usually they aren't really my thing; too voluptuous to inspire dieting and emaciation. But Rosie Huntington Whiteley. My God! She is ridiculously, terrifyingly hot!

Kinda scrawny, kinda bodacious, how she do that?

Hot for Burberry

Tiny thighs (monstrous eyebrows)

Goddess tresses

Ooh Lah Lah

Real stomach. Fake fur.

What do I want to eat for breakfast tomorrow: 200 cal oats? Do I? Do I want to eat at all? Should I eat at all?

Death and the Maiden

She died on January the 25th.
...
...
...
What is there to say. So much and... no matter.

I WILL FAST TOMORROW.
You fatfatfatuselessFATfuck. Pull yourself together. It's time to be hungry again.

show me your bones
death and the maiden
if you love her
you will wear her name
- tattooed there forever -
on a beautiful body
how dare you?
how dare you
wear her name
on this body
HOW.
DARE
YOU.