crush(ed)

Miranda and Orlando
*even there names are great together*

A crush is an imaginary lover: Someone who wants your honesty and wants you honestly. Someone who sees you; deeply, silently, sternly and without reservation. Someone who would challenge anyone who stands against you, who walks just ahead of you and turns back to hold out their hand before a climb or fall. You do not need to ask. They know. They are unafraid. Not afraid of your wounds, of how you might wound them, or of the world out there. They know everything about you yet still find you endlessly fascinating. They desire you and make feel infinitely desirable. You feel safe and thrilled.  You give everything, effortlessly, ensconced in the halo of their attention, desire and love. They want to be with you. With them you are on a pedestal, but down to earth, and completely relaxed, but feel as though you're going to explode. Such a person can never exist. A crush is a shell, an outline, drawn from real life, brilliantly illustrated, and liberally so, with fairy tales and fantasy. A crush is based on a real person but they, the inspiration for the dream, must be distinguished from the dream itself. Do not confuse the two. That person exists. Leave them alone. Glaring imperfection really shatters the dream. Particularly if you did not know that you were dreaming.

Purged twice today.
Feel fat. Depressed. Weepy. (Jealous bitch. Money. Fat. Scale paranoia [it must be broken])
Love and miss A.
I weigh 62 kilograms.
I hate myself.
I'll hate myself less if I weigh less. (It's only logical; less to hate.)