one day I'll have a good day, hopefully soon

Why do I make choices that turn out not to be choices?
As in; I think I can control my eating, that I'll "just have X,Yand Z".
which turns into X,Y,Z... and X,Y,Z some-more... and A through W.

I suppose the decision to eat a little something seems so meaningless and controllable.But I can't control it. I can't control the eating because deep down in my sordid insides I long to purge.But why? It's so gross. It makes me ugly, and smelly and feel (literally) dirty and like a failure.Sigh.

Got up. Had cigarette, grapefruit, ten almonds, cigarette. Fiiiiiiinnnnneee. Not perfect; could've stopped at half a grapefruit and not had the almonds. But it was fine. Then "I'll just have a rice cake... with tomato... and cheese"

Ugh.

Had toooo much. Then had peanut butter. Then white bread (with margarine. gross.) Then milo and brownies. Naturally I purged. 

I feel a bit stronger than before, despite this failure. I hope that if I keep owning up here (all the frikkin time, as boring as that may be for you and I) I will learn to be more accountable (read 'ashamed') and I'll stop the stupid behavior.I'm so tired of it all. Tired and frustrated, and feel as though there must be a magic answer out there (although I can't begin to think what it might be).