Tomorrow, tomorrow, I luv ya tomorrroooooow

Jeepers.
You could park your scooter between her thighs.
Amazing.
I would love to look like that in jeans.
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I was wearing my size 8's today.
They are depressingly snug all over.
So I'm really a 10 right now.
Gross.
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You know; I used to think that if jeans crept down it meant they were to small.
Lies.
It's the opposite.
If they are too big that sit up (in your lady-business) and pay attention.
Yes.
Denim knows no logic.
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Sad news.
I binged and purged again tonight.
I have to stop that.
Stop. That.
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JUST REMEMBER: 700 a day. Every day. Tomorrow. Yes.
Weight: 60.
And to think I pussssshhhed myself to get to 60 last year,
and was happy when I got there,
and now all I see is fat.
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Really though,
'people' may think that's something 'we' (disordered/dismorphic people) 'just say'.
No.
When I look in the mirror I might as well be 80 kgs again.
Regardless: Unacceptable.
Must loose 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 kilograms.
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Then maybe another 3 but I don't like to speculate.
Also I presume that after 50, after 55 even, loosing is going to be much harder.
Oh god. I am already gripped by the fear of potential regain.
I mean how many times did I tell myself "never over 60 ever again"
and I've been bouncing around that weight for... omg... 9 months.
Might as well have had a fuckin' baby so long.
Okay. Let's not joke about pregnancy.
That shit is not funny. Eep.
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I'm expected to drink tomorrow.
It's a friend's boyfriend's 35th b'day.
Alcohol... I don't know so much.
We will see.
Drinking actually scares me these days.
Due to my dangerously-drunken-sluttery of last semester.
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Yes. K's bf is a tad older than 'us'.
I really like him and feel like I could use an 'older' man in my life.
Or woman. But I've tried that and she was waaaaay more insecure than me. It was terrible.
Whereas older guys seem to be ridiculously chilled in their own skins.
(I'm embarrassed by my own sexist stereotyping, but...)
That makes them so attractive.
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I remember I once hooked up with this older guy in a club,
solely because I was bangin' an older guy ( he was 32, I was 22) at the time
and my thoughts were; 'this is in keeping with the theme'.
Hah!
What ridiculous reasoning.
And I remember I was standing there messaging the bangee
and the kissee was, it appears, reading over my shoulder.
(How ruuuuude!)
He chortled, and asked;
"is that your boyfriend?"
The audacity!
To think I have a boyfriend?!
When I just sucked your face!
Gross.
I mean obviously people cheat.
But for that to be the initial assumption?
Yuck.
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However, thinking of K and her boyfriend (the birthday boy):
She says that he's been soooo single and independent for so long
that he just doesn't know how to be a boyfriend.
Ya'know; be emotionally supportive etc.
Well?
I don't want a 'boyfriend' or a 'girlfriend' per se.
I don't really like what that's meant for me in the past:
It was always too much too soon.
(I was just trying to make them happy!)
I prefer the idea that they're kinda your friend, but you fuck
...and hang out slightly more.
Rather than;
they suddenly expect you to meet alllllllll their friends (on principle),
but complain about having to go out with your friends 'all the time',
and you have to (it seems) cure their every insecurity,
and fill every hole in their soul.
I mean that's an awful lot to ask of one person
just because I'm suddenly your quote-unquote girlfriend.
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Sorry, this is not to say these are the demands K is making.
I'm not bitching about her.
Just my exes!
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Sigh.
I just want it too easy.
Shame on me.
Filthy idealist.