heads or tails?

Roll the di, flip the coin, hit the switch...

There are two sides to every story. This is no less true of my ED.
My disordered body and disordered mind... which culminate in my
disordered eating... which manifests in two ways:
1. Poison Ivy: the remedy for mistakes made. Guilt and regret beat at
my subconscious, the eating has hung weights by meat hooks from
my soul. Desperation, hope for another do-over, another start, renewed
possibility, drive me to purge and purge and purge. I eat to fill me. To shush
the anxiety knawing at my fraying edges. I eat. and i hate it. myself. the eating.
myself eating. the self that ate. that needs to consume. that is shackled. crippled.
Here I feel trapped, stifled, powerless.
I rely on Mia, but I hate the eating.
2: Harley Quinn: a higher plane of existance. Her foundations are in restriction
and control. Here i have hope. I am light, i am energised, I feel like I soar above
the mundane, the normal, and the burden of my body. With her I am free. But she
is so elusive. And enough is never enough. Less is always more than necessary.
Nothing is hard to achieve. I crave this state. I must have it.
I must be free.
I love Ana, but I am too weak for her, I am a failure in her eyes.



Felice Fawn. A definite contender for the most beautiful girl in the world
... and *gasp* is that really you? how you used to be? horror and
amazement... and hope. If you can do it, and come out the other end looking
so stupendous... could I? I can try.

Hope will keep me alive, that and nothing else, hope... and elbow grease, because; those who call it an obsession, who want to mock it, call it pathetic, talk about low self-esteem... they don't know the lightness and energy that we know, they don't know the power we have... essentially; they don't know what it is to commit, to try, and to suceed. *so fuck you world*