Jesus, what an emotional rollercoaster. They're such lovely fuckin' people which is, of course, awesome in terms of friendship. But so much doubt festers; when they say I have a chance with him, are they just being supportive? When they say I've lost weight; are they just being kind? Is conversation full of what I want to hear, when the hard truth might keep me safe?
I need self-loathing to make me loose weight... and... I put on 3 (three. fucking three.) kilograms this weekend. after having weighed in at my lowest - 61 - on friday morning. Jesus. Jesus fuck. It was the alcohol, the carbs, the impossibility of restricting when surrounded by food and people eating it.
I'm fasting tomorrow. There is no other option. But I have so much school work - I'm doing law, I have 7 courses and I'm struggling - and I need energy from food to do it. God I hate that I need that shit in my body. I just wish I could do a Sleeping Beauty; lie back, close my eyes, waste away, be awoken by a kiss from my prince, look in the mirror and be like 'fuck yeah'. Pfffft. I wish.
Boy update: Hit the town on thursday night with three friends from campus. We invited a host of other campus people but the weather was truly atrocious and most faded. However; we'll call him V, showed up. V is not the boy. But V is awesome. I'm not interested in him, nor he in me (he has a beautiful girlfriend) but I was amped.
I was content. The evening was going along and we were all getting drunk, V was there, my girls were there and I was happy, relaxed and generally awesome. T - the boy - well, I had invited him, but the hours were going by and he never arrived. He doesn't really come to many campus-friend events, not sure why; maybe he's shy, or too cool, who knows? I'd given up on him, then, the table goes quiet for a split second: Hi. He came.
God. I felt like a cold bolt of lightning split my body.
The evening went on. I got us all tequila. We were going to go out. I decided, however, that I needed drugs. V, R, T and myself went back to R's flat. Thats me, one of my new best friends (female that is), a new male friend I absolutely dig (and who happens to be the hottest guy - next to T - on campus) and T, and me. WTF. No really; what the fuck? Can you handle; I'm too fucking lucky.
I proceeded to share a gram of cocaine with the other two in front of T. No problem. Via our conversation he knows that I'm - really, really, really - bisexual: no problem. He knows I've never dated a guy... he thinks I just use guys for sex though, which is entirely untrue. But he just seems so totally fine with me being the strange person I am. He 'likes eccentric woman'. Jesus.
So; basically he drove me back to my house at 4:30 am. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, wished him a good night, and went to bed. Why-oh-why am I not a slut???
I wish I could just throw myself at him. I want him so so so badly. Ridiculous. It's ridiculous. People who have mad crushes on gorgeous men are not meant to get this close to them. Fuck; I have no idea what to do. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know whether he is even vaguely interested in me. I just don't know. God. Nightmare. Fuckin' stress. Want him. No idea what to do about it. Need to be thin so I can - finally for once in my life - feel hot and just push him up against a wall and molest him. Must calm down but can't. God: I'm ridiculous, this situation is ridiculous. Fuckfuckfuck. *nnnnnnngggggggggg* Please; exscuse me.
 |
| If these were my legs I could die happy. But only after the boy had fucked me senseless. Natch. ;) |
No comments:
Post a Comment