calories and a minor boy misfire

Weighed in at 61 this morning. Just six *bastard* kgs to go. I'm getting compliments left, right and centre but it's meaningless if I don't hit goal weight.

I'm very open with my friends about my diet (they just don't know that I consider 450 calories a decent daily maximum amount... 300 is optimal... 200 is best...and as they're all skinny bitches so they would probably say 'oh okay' and 'calorie? what now?' anyway) and one just told me that if I stopped dieting now she thinks I'd be fine. It's nice to hear, but, NO! is my response. Personally; I need to be 55 *or else I will weep forever* but I want, or wish, that I could get down to 50, or between 45 and 50. God: that would be..... just amazing. But I'm going to worry about 55 first and foremost.

I definitely put back on since this morning as I had a farewell at a restaurant today; I could have not eaten but it would have put a dampener on things, got me grief from my bestie, and attracted a lot of attention... and just an overall bad idea. Stupid.

So I ate today: two rice-cakes with cheese, tomato and vegetarian sliced 'meat', then - out - expresso sized hot chocalate, two finger sandwiches with cucumber and cream cheese, half a mini spinach and feta quiche, half a scone with cream and jam, and a small piece of chocolate cake. Gross. Hate food. Hate feeling full; I just get anxious and want to cry.

But *small moments of happiness* my mom bought me tights: a small... they fit perfectly and look fantastic. oh happiness. Moment two; a new acquintance - gay & male - came up to me at a party on Weds and said, as I reclined on a coach with a martini glass in hand (as one should); 'Wow, the way you're sitting right now makes me wish I was an attractive female!' Hahaha 'attractive female', makes me sound like a show-dog, but still, what a sweetie.

So to the minor boy-related backfire... as I'm enjoying recording my exploits in trying to bed the current man of my dreams: I contacted another male friend to get dream-boys number and, consequently, ended up hanging with that guy - let's call him E - and my friend R on Tuesday night. He left her flat at around 11... he messaged me at 4am to tell me he thinks I'm sexy. OMG. A minor disaster; you contact a man to stalk another man and unwittingly attract man-1's attention. Whoops. Oh well; it's nice to be sexy. Just wish it was T telling me his and not E.  I just don't feel that way about E and there's nothing I can do about that. Sigh.

Ah, hotties in luuurrrvvve.
Or lust ;)
I want to be sexy for:
(1) me
(2) T
(3) to rub it in the face
of anyone who ever thought
I would never be