61.2 feelings of unhappiness, feelings of need

I have seven days
to loose two point two kilograms
the way i feel right now
if i don't make it
i...
envision taking a knife
and plunging it into my leg repeatedly
angry rapid plunging knife
i don't know why
i don't want to kill myself
but i will want to die

i would - if i had him - want to tell the boy about my problem
i think i would have to
food makes me so anxious
not eating makes me so useless
i'd have to explain the body issues
surely?

What would i say?
I'd say:
i had a difficult childhood
it gave me issues
which gave me a problem
i binged
but i did not purge
then i took back some control
now i restrict
yes
that is what some people term 'anorexia'
although i still binge sometimes
but now i purge
yes
that is wha some people term 'bulimia'
yes
i throw up my food
and, yes, i do hate myself (sometimes)
and
i would want to tell you
that when i reach 55
i'll stop
but that would be a lie
i can never stop
*if* when
i reach 55
i will want to get to 50
just to be safe
just to be sure
just so i can feel strong
i would say;
i'm still a whole person
it's just that parts of me articulate themselves
in strange ways
could you still?
like me?
do you even?
think about me?
i wonder.