When you were young...

I cannot be bothered to put up a picture I'm afraid.

I'm so bloated.

It is revolting.

I am revolting.

-

Something amazing I heard in this movie 'Friends with Kids'

"She's like one of my limbs."

"So what's wrong with that?"

"I hate myself."

-

mmmmmm yes

-

There's a new guy

I feel like it's wrong to even talk about him here

he's a nice guy

and wouldn't want to be associated with this:

my vile, immature, self-agrandising bullshit

-

the lyrics from The Killer's 'When you were young' make me think of him;

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to 
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now
Here he comes 

...
He doesnt look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young"

-

It's not that I'm bigtime into this band, or bigtime wild for decoding pop-rocker's lyrics
but I wonder why this song sprang to mind
...
because my reliance on romantic ideals,
(whilst also being a pathetic means by which to gage one's success in life)
make me this sad little rag
waiting for some boy, any boy
to be my saviour
and offer me forgiveness
for silly things
I've turned into sins
and I look for the signs
for him to match the mould
of the man I imagined when I was young
so that I'll know that it's finally over.
The wait is finally over.
-
And every time he does nothing
it is a BIG DEAL
and it was PERFECT
And when I realise nothing means nothing
it's a just a vacuum
a black (w)hole
well, then it's  also a BIG DEAL
only this time I'm HEARTBROKEN
-
what a fucking loser
-
because the hot boys will like you when you like yourself
*wank*
not that he's hot
and not that that is even (vaguely) a point worth consideration
(except for sometimes when I do consider it and then feel shallow, despicable and unworthy of humanity)
-
He liked me so much.
He cried when I told him about A.
He studied with me every single day.
He broke up with his girlfriend because he liked me.
He introduced me to tons of his friends.
He told all these people about me.
He said 'I can't hurt you' with tears in his eyes.
He took me away with him;
to stay in a fucking treehouse!
He brought me a rose on my birthday even though I didn't want to see anyone.
He asked me to be his girlfriend,
exactly a month after we hooked up,
because he remembered the date.
He liked me so so so much.
He was "so crazy about me" 
but now he doesn't "know what happened"
and  doesn't "want a hectic relationship".
I hate him.
I hate him so much for being so perfect.
Absolutely 100% the most caring, confidently goofy, manic, sweet, friendly guy,
ever, in the whole world (ete etc etc)
And then for becoming so 
*uh*
*shrug*
disinterested in me
quiet
conversationless
but all I can see
all I wish for is the guy that he was before
but which is him?
who is he?
how can I trust someone 
so fickle
who fell out of like with me
so quickly
I can't 
I can't 
but I must try
but it hurts
He put the cracks in out foundations.
-
purged once today
-
bloated as fuck
-
can't be bothered/too terrified to check my weight
-
sigh
-
x