if can't get this right, i'll die, i'll simply curl up and die, or even worse... i'll keeping living, wishing everyday that i had.

What a morbid title. But no matter. I want to talk about the boy, the new boy, the perfect boy. His perfect eyes, his perfect collar-bones, his perfect body. 

I hate it. I hate that my body makes me so unworthy. I want him. For one hour. For a night. The thought of more than that stresses me out exponentially.

The sight of his ex-girlfriend, whom I shamelessly stalked via facebook, has had a similarly discombobulatory effect. Firstly; many, almost all, of her profile pictures include him. It's so bizarre to see him as one half of a couple. His body language; it makes me start imagining them together..... together. She seems to be very weird. Somewhat... tacky? trashy? or perhaps just 'who gives a fuck?' which might work for her. But she's thinner than me.

Of course she is.

Everyone is thinner than me - yes, everyone on the goddamn planet, I don't give a fuck about realism or perspective right now - and it just breaks me apart. Breaks me wide open.

He has this really soft voice, soft but really deep, and a really throaty masculine laugh, it's so......... He's dark; his skin, his eyes, his hair. He's smart. Funny. Clever. Makes silly immature jokes of the kind that I definitely appreciate. He flirts.

But I'm sure I'm not the only one.

He's what people would call, without a doubt, 'baby-faced' but his body........ my God........... I've never really been attracted to a 'buff' guy before. Never. I prefer them toned. Or even slightly androgynous. But him. God. He's just the right height for me; taller but not tall. Broad shoulders. Muscles; there is a lot of perfectly proportioned, not too much, not too little, muscle. I just know he's hiding a six pack under there. God, I just want him to pick me up with those perfect arms and have his way with me, and me with him, of course.

It's incomprehensible how debilitating it is to be this attracted to someone. My self-worth is shattered. My eating is all over the fucking place (fuckfuckfuckfuck). I can't look at him, can't have a proper conversation with him, I just feel like I'm making a complete and total ass out of myself. Why; well... if I were thin... if I weighed 55.... instead of 65.... well..... things would be different. That may sound ridiculous; but, the thing is, I know myself. I know how I am with guys. I know I could end up, slightly tipsy, kissing him, my hands running up his perfect arms, over his perfect shoulders, clasped behind that beautiful head. I want him. I want to be thin.

Emaciated LiLo.
Love.love.love. it
So fucking hot.
The way I feel right now:
Dying to be thin.