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| So. Damn. Hot. |
So I'm just going to try and restrict like a boss and, to help me do so, I'll be editing this little what-what riiiiggggghhhhht here. Wish me luck! Oh, and the twist is; I'm not going to weigh myself from now until the morning of the 25th. Eish; restricting must be the focus!!
*WEIGH-IN*
... 61. gross.
Saturday 14 April
1/8 cup muesli with water
black coffee
2 bioplus energy sweet things
huge tuna salad
5 almonds
two cups earl grey with milk
black coffee
too much goddamn chocolate
- yeah, very average, but I only decided to kick it up a notch (the ten day - day 1 is tomo - challenge) after I ate - (whoops)
...
So I just binged and purged. Again. Must be the millionth time this year. I would really like it to be the last. Really-really. So lets make it the last. Yes? Yes. I can do this: ten days of extreme restriction. Looking good for TBB. Because when I look at *that* picture of Her it makes me feel sick inside: Happy and thin and beautiful and loved and comfortable in her own skin (and unlike me in so many ways). And despite not wanting me (all of me) he still wants me (this body) so that's what I'll give him; so it better be good (better best perfect). Because I need that R10 000: clothes clothes I need so many clothes (that actually fit me). Because I have A's name transcribed (inscribed forever) on my body and it must be a worthy memorial to her. Because I want... so much... everything... happiness. You ca never be TOO RICH or TOO THIN. No such thing as 'too thin'. Please!
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| What's it like to be perfect MK? I doubt you think you're perfect. That's part of why you are. But I think you are. So perfect. |
1/8 cup muesli with water
2 cups black coffee
2 glasses diet coke
10 dry All-Bran flakes (yes, I count shit out yoh)
1 x gum
... and then I fucked up...
tuna salad: I made too much and added cheese (no and no)... so I binged; tea, chocolate, three brownies. Fuck. Purge. Who knows how much I got out. It is shameful but I need to PUBLICLY SHAME MYSELF RIGHT HERE so that I will actually stop. I want to I do. But I'm just a compulsive failure. So no food for me for the rest of the day. Listen to me: No more. Nothing. Stop.
I will be thin. I will I will I must.
...
and I did it again. Soup-cheese-bread-bread-peanut-butter-blergh. I'm starting to worry I'll never be able to stop. Why can't I control this behavior?It's mad. Totally mad. While I was purging I left the bathroom and a white gecko, dappled with black spots, it's pinkish yellowish blueish insides pulsing beneath it's translucent skin, went across the door frame. I hate geckos; I'm actually phobic about them. But I thought; 'You're rather pretty, little one'. And then, as I was heaving (yet again) over the toilet bowl I felt something brush past my right leg and heard a wettish plop. The little spotty thing had obviously been on the ceiling and had either fallen or parashot itself to the floor. She seemed dazed. Or terrified of me. It's hard to tell. I felt strange; this funny little pretty thing was watching me and throwing itself around the room. I felt bad; she shouldn't have to see me like that. And it made me think of A; she shouldn't have to see me like this. If she can. What if? I don't know. I hope more no than yes; I wouldn't want her to see me failing and retching and carrying on like this. Constantly falling down. I'm sorry.
...
In other matters; I can't stop thinking about him. I'm not sure if it's because I want/need a distraction. Or I'm just prone to crazy hallucinations about untouchable unreachable people needing me. ... I slept with two different guys on Thursday night. Neither were him. One was the fuck-buddy of old; the sex was selfish (on his part) I thought. Then there was the other one; sweet sweet boy, and about 2 minutes of intercourse. Hmmm. It's bizarre; I should be more... surprised by my behavior... but now that it's done... it's just over, just something that happened. But when I think of TBB, of how... involved... how 'there' ... he is when we fuck? Well: It's just not the same. It's something else that we are doing. Not that it's 'making love' or, well, whatever that even means, but - sure - it's carnal. But it's beautiful too. There's an element of give and take; exchanging something. And I just wonder what he would think. Would he be disgusted? Maybe. Am I? If he were; then yes. I would be deeply saddened. I'm not sure what any of this means. I don't know what we're doing. I want his body. And I want everything to be alright; I want him to want to see me. To be satisfied; physically and to just feel good about the whole thing. He makes me want to be more beautiful than ever before. And feel more terrified than ever before; because I don't know if I can be beautiful enough for him.
 |
| In Paris. 'Cos they can. Duh. |
6 almonds
1 black coffee
2 coffees with sugar and milk
2 x gum
1 veg samoosa
1 piece raw cauliflower
1 apple
2 x binge and purge (I know.)
3 x bioplus energy sweets
lets hope I'm loosing (not weighing myself is kinda a lie, but shhhh)
Tuesday 17 April
6 almonds, black coffee, coffee with milk and sugar, a tomato
all good
3 x binge and purge... ugh...
not good
try tomorrow. please. x
Wednesday 18 April
Thursday 19 April
Friday 20 April
Saturday 21 April
Sunday 22 April
Monday 23 April
Tuesday 24 April
Wednesday 25 April
*WEIGH-IN*
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