What are we afraid of?

beautiful

I've been fighting myself for a long while now - ever since A's death - and since someone has to win and the other lose I inevitably end up back in a neutral quagmire in which I'm left feeling lonely, trapped and desperate. I have binged and purged more times than I can remember at times and in places I never thought I would. Do you know how truly disheartening it is to start off your day with a complete loss of self-control followed by gouging at the back of your throat, holding in the tears whist trying to force the food out, and hoping no one hears you. Well, it's kinda shit, obviously.

I watch this girl's youtube videos (she's a make-up guru, not one of our kind) and I love what she says about weight loss:

"Everyone has their own reasons to be motivated

it's like with everything in life

it's either important enough to you that you make the time and the energy to do it

or it's not important enough to you

if it's not important enough to you...?

No one's going to be able to push you besides yourself

no one can force you to do anything but yourself

so, if you yourself don't care enough...?

Everybody has their own reasons for motivation

My reasons:

Confidence.

If you are comfortable in your own skin

comfortable in your clothing

you feel good about yourself when you walk out the door

you know...

then life's a lot different

your interactions with people

everything will change

your entire day

all the little things.

So that's one reason why."

Perhaps it's not so apparent - in written form - what these words really mean (to me at least). The thing is, when you watch her speak, well, I just want to cry every time she says "then life's a lot different". It just sounds like she knows, she really knows, what I know; that no matter how hard or horrible or ridiculous weight loss can be (the shallow focus, the mind-numbing and even unhealthy routines, the waiting) it really is worth it. Life - your whole life - everything - is a lot (a lot, a lot, a lot) different. 

Since loosing 15kgs everything has been different for me. Of course I am the same in so many ways. But the way I am in the world; it really has changed. I am freer now to be and do and say. And yes, of course, I'm sure the insecurities that held me back before are just obstacles constructed by a insecure mind. But - let's be honest here - our lives (how we perceive, interpret and interact with the objective world) are only in our minds. And just because I can see that how my mind works is a tad fucked up doesn't negate the fact that that fucked-up-ness creates my reality. It may be mad but I do have to live in it.

So I've lost 15kgs and life is a lot different. And yet. But. However. I am not happy. 

• My best friend, the foundation to what used to be any feelings of support and security I had, is dead. Passed on a week after her diagnosis; she would have been 23 in 11 days time. It's not going to be a good day. 
• I've since gotten stuck in a rut of anger, sadness, self-pity, hurt and near endless b&p. I'm finding it impossible to get back on track. I started seeing a therapist for my sadness and she seems unwilling to deal with my eating issues but instead recommended that I check into an in-patient facility despite the fact that no one in the whole world knows about this thing and I have no money of my own!
• My parents are getting divorced. It's ugly; moneys hidden etc and yet I still have to live with them under the same roof.
• My brother is involved in a custodial brawl over my two-year old nephew with his ex. More stress. 
• My eldest brother is a shadow of his former self having had his self swallowed by the vapid psychotic bitch wife of his. 
• I fucked some guy who I started to develop feelings for but who just views me as a fun time. 
• I fell more into complete infatuation with my classmate and friend - TBB - who, I have just discovered, was still seeing his ex until a week ago...  
• I fucked my other class mate - only because I was angry about TBB - and yet she denies that girls can have sex... and continues to harass me via sms every time she drinks. Whaaat?
• I found out that my monstrous infatuation of last year (a huge motivator for my weight loss) had been "completely infatuated" and "in love" with me last year (his words)... when I was fatter... wtf? We then hooked up and I threw myself at him only to have him go home with another girl. Again wtf?
• My closest friend (after A) has become incredibly thin and confident which compounds my anger and insecurity.
• I'm so behind at law school that I want to die.

Yes - that was just a useless list of my stresses - and self-pity is not all that attractive. And the weird thing is that I'm terrified of going below 60kg. Even though it makes me ecstatically happy. 

Why am I scared of getting what I want? Why? Because then I'll have to be happy? I won't be able to use fat as an excuse anymore? I'll have to be fabulous and happy all the time and that seems impossible right now? Maybe. 

Maybe that's it but I don't really know... I want to be 50kg. The magic number. Why am I so afraid of getting what I want. All I can think is: I'm tired of binging, of purging, of dehydration, of stodgy rubbish food. I want energy and lightness and fruit and vegetables. I really do; for their own sake. So why is it so hard. What's wrong with me? I just have to do it. 

I want to see how different life can really be.

xxx