shit (I am a piece of)

Wow.
I can't believe how badly I've fucked up.
Was 59 on Sat morning.
Now going on 63.
It's fucking Tues morning.
Stop binging.
Stop purging.
Regain control.
-
I already binged this morning.
And I can never seem to purge properly anymore.
Gag reflex is fucked.
-
So I'm pretending I'm sick.
And fasting until I'm better.
ie.
59.
-
How did I let this happen?
Why would I do this to myself?
I thought.
After a massive night of drinking on Friday.
And waking up at 59.
and being so happy about it
and taking it for granted.
IDIOT
that I could have a 'controlled binge'
(as if there is such a thing!)
and just get back on track.
But I just undid all my work
in three days
-
I am so depressed
mostly because I was that goddamn stupid
so so so incredibly stupid
-
So three major errors
(1) overconfidence: you are never 'safe' at your weight,
it can be regained in an instant,
no food is worth it!
(2) drinking leads to the above and also inspires binging
avoid it!
(3) there is no such thing as a 'one day off' or whatever binge
eating just makes you crave more foor!
-
okay
okay
breathe
i can do this
OMG I AM FREAKING OUT
MUST FAST
FAST
FAST
FAST