Girl disgusted by GW. Please help!

I need advice here. Please comment, I would appreciate it so much! *thank you lovely persons*

The ever elusive thigh gap.
*sigh*

Today.
1/8 cup vomiliciously sweet muesli with water
1 cup black coffee
2 ricecakes with soy polony, tomato, cucumber, salt, pepper, tobasco
+- 12 cucumber sticks/crudites/you know what I mean
about 1/2 cup of juice (took three swigs from the bottle, damn sugar cravings)
1 honey & rooibos slim slab (about 70 cal)

Firstly, this 'about' and '+-' bullshit has got to stop. I mean; just drinking from a bottle of fruit juice? When the measuring equipment is right there? Entirely unnacceptable.

On a second unrelated point: my goal weight disturbs me. I know what's out there okay. All you peoples striving for 90 pounds. Well at this point I'm a fatty striving for 110 pounds (excuse me, I work in kilograms). So yes, I need (desperately) to be 55kgs (about 120 pounds) which is still just revolting in this place's vocabularly of 'I may have/do have/want to have/do not want to have an eating disorder' (sorry, that has a somewhat bitchy tone but I do not mean it like that at all,  it's just hard to find the words to summarise, categorise or label a blogspace that it filled with so many different but equally lovely people). Then I less-desperately (although actually pretty desperately in the broad spectrum of desperation) want to be 50 (110 pounds). 'Holy Fuck' some of you might say (I imagine). 'She is happy with that tub-of-lard goal weight... what a fuckin' poser.' And you may well be right. Any yet 45 just seems ridiculously low. But then I look at a friend of mine - who I'm pretty sure is taller than me - who already weighs about 53kgs (I think) and *I can't believe this* neither I nor normal society would consider her to be overly thin. She has a belly! A paunch! At 53! Oh. My. God. It's like why don't you just take all hope and let Pavorotti sit on it. Until it has been smothered into non-existance. I mean... she weighs less than my initial GW?!?! But I don't want to look like her :(

Was I a complete fool for thinking that I'd 'look good' at 55? Am I a fool for thinking that 50, when I consider that extreme but no-one else does, will look acceptable. Of course I want to be an emaciated little waif! Of course I do! But how in God's name will I ever weigh 45???? That is very low. Right? Isn't it? I don't know anymore.

My BMI at 55 would be 21.5.
Yip retardedly, repugnantly normal.
And, yes, that used to be what I wanted.

My BMI at 50 would be 19.5.
Now that just sounds so much better.
Just delicious.

At 45: 17.6.
Completely underweight.
And yet, seeing that number, mmm, I get an intense thrill.

But right now I just need to focus on where I'm at: approximately 62.
A bmi of 24.2.
Barely escaping the 'overweight' range.
*vomit*
How completely disgusting.

I realise now that I'm exactly where I was - in terms of my mental state - as I was at the end of 2010.
Completely dissatisfied with my appearance.
As in: I might as well erase my prior HW from my mind (75ish) and rewrite it as 62.
Because I feel like I'm starting all over again from the beginning.
I feel fat. Scratch that. When I look in the mirror, hell any reflective surface (as one does), I look fat.
Yes I'm technically at a 'normal' body weight.
But who the hell wants to be normal?
I used to think there are only 'skinny' girls and 'fat' girls.
Now I realise we come in fat, normal, thin and very thin or skinny.
I want to be skinny.
Not normal.
Not just satisfied or moderately confident.
I want to be tiny.
I weigh 62, and I'm completely unimpressed by that, depressed and desperate even.
I want to reach 55 as of yesterday.
And then I want to strive for 50 and see what that feels like; how my bones will wear only 50 kilograms of bodily mass.
And then I can see.
Right?
What do you think?

This is what I want.
Hip bones that could cut a loaf of bread.
As if anyone eats bread anymore!
*psshhhht*
;)