average

I <3 this picture.
Not in a effed up way.
Just love the focus.
And hands are so arbitrarily cool.
*
Fuck.
Time for honesty.
*
30 almonds.
Hare Krishna meal.
Too much rice in that, too much ghee, just too much.
Chocolate, lots, and crackers with egg mayo... purge.
More chocolate.
Lots of cucumber with green chilli paste on it.
*sigh*
Not the best.

asian sodium fest

I used to despise mustard yellow clothing
but it has won me over
*
weird day:
just cigarettes and water
no coffee
erhmygaaawwwd
until 4pm
then mad loads of coke light
some chips and hummus
cooked vegetarian thai green curry with jasmine rice
2 x friend arrived
wine, chips, hummus
foooooooooooood
double chocolate calorfic madness for dessert
*
little victories:
survived without coffee!
resisted buying food on campus!
*
also; I think fizzy whatsit (ie diet coke) makes one really full, yah!
xxx

a little mouse's requiem

draught beer
a glass of red wine
so much snacks of matza and cheese and ergh
feeling gross gross gross
fat fat fat
need to starve need to work
what the fuck
where did the mouse go that the cat caught?

let's rather call it maintainfast

Guuuuuuuuuuys!
*whine*
When will I ever learn?
Do not eat breakfast!
DONOTEATBREAKFAST
DO NOT EAT BREAKFAST
Breakfast breaks the eating seal.
It's like drunk peeing but so much worse.
Had a lunch or supper type thing for breakfast :(
2 ricecakes with cottage cheese and chilli sauce and pickled onion
and cucumber and tomato.
... and then three mini chocolate brownies :(
(I didn't even want them!)
... and then I came to the house I'm cat-sitting at for the weekend....
and (obviously) I raided the cupboards
... 2 marshmallow easter eggs and a slab and a half of chocolate!!!
(whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)
... in chocolate alone I've had about 900 calories!!!
(whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)
I honestly think that if I had just skipped breakfast this runaway train would not have left the station
: (
errrrrrrrrhhhhhgggaaaaaawwwwdddd
: (

oh socialising

having a life makes you fat
but if I don't have a life who will make 'wowee' comments when I get thin?
Tricky that.
Chilled with N and A, and N's cousin T this afternoon.
Everybody brought eats.
Terrible!
A brought black forest cupcakes and prawn chips.
N brought mini-brownies and chocolate.
I provided rusks and chocolate biscuits.
Eish.
So today I ate lotsa prawn chips, lotsa chocolate, about 5 mini brownies, 2 rusks,
1 cup of coffee, 1 cup of tea, both milk no sugar.
And one marmite and cottage cheese rice cake for lunch/breakfast before the social/eat fest.
Will probs have some more ricecakes as above for 'supper'
even though I shouldn't...
and there's an evening plan tomorrow
and a breakfast plan and a easter braai on Sunday
motheroffuck gonna get so FAT
but I can't let myself get freaked
because then I start purging
which just leads to more purging
which leads to more freaking out
which leads to starving
which leads to more binging
(rinse and repeat)
must maintain a cool head
food is an inevitable part of life
*breathe*

little victories

Adorable Felice and her adorable kitty and pooch.
All shnuggled up.
Ogh.
And weirdly enough she has 'thin' animals...
I mean bony breeds...
I mean, agh man, you know what I mean.
Yoh.
Dinner tonight was boss.
Here's what I ate/drank:
3 Castle Lights
Salted popcorn.
Salad with lots of Greek dressing.
The salad was the usual but with raw carrots and cooked green beans and cooked but still crunchy broccoli.
Broccoli is the fucking best for soaking up sauces.
I have to eat more par-cooked crunchy awesome broccoli :)
Amazing quiche with mozzarella, feta, sundried tomatoes, spinach and a brown bread and butter base.
And chickpeas cooked with onion, tomatoes, peppers, spices.
And basil beer bread.
And two and a half chewy fresh-baked choc-chip cookies for dessert.
Mmmmmmmmm.
Amazzzzzzeeeeeee
Yes. It's a hella lot of food.
But I'll focus on the little victories.
(1) I stopped eating my second dressing soaked helping of salad.
(2) It didn't even occur to me to take a whole third cookie because I felt so full.
I know that may seem a strange thing to list but honestly I will often stuff myself when full,
it's freaky 'cos I'm binging in public
I can feel the manic obsessive gotta-get-it-in gahgahgah madness of binging
and nobody knows
inside i'm freaking the fuck out
and what freaks me out more is that no-one can tell
because if I knew that someone was feeling like that
I'd turn the music down a bit
I'd take their hands
hold them firmly
and talk quietly saying
It's okay It's okay It's okay
Shhh-shhhhh-shhhhh
It's okay.

got milk?

 

Avocado, Lemon and Black Pepper Nachos Grande corn chips
= a whopping 485 calories for the 100g packet.
And, the retards proudly proclaim'NO animal products'
...
other than, ya'know, the massive sticker slapped on the back that says 'contains milk'.
Jeepers-they-creepers.

*
Just for funsies.
What the interwebs and it's many places think my ideal weight should be:
54
('other people of my age, gender, height and weight' )
...
between 47 and 57
(ye olde BMI but adjusted for women)
...
50
(if you want a flat tummy and thigh gap as seen on mybodygallery.com)
...
54
(says Dr Christian Jesson of Supersize v Superskinny)

*
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
So same news really: aim for 55 for now, dream of 50, settle for 53.
SIGH.

*
I've got that dinner with friends soon soon.
Just going to try and remain calm
have a good time
and not be a freak
ala
eating like mad
freaking out about any and all eating
purging
especially at her house... no purging at her house!!!

wish me luck
xxx