I don't like this post because I come off like an insipid pleb in it but who gives a fuck because self-censorship is bullshit and LET IT GO ALREADY

Okay so it's new years this evening. There's about  twelve plans that have been bandied about. All of them are too hectic for my liking. Even the most chilled one, a dinner vibe with three other couples, involves mdma. Yeah, and all the other options have been combos of dinner, dance, drinking, coke, mdma. I'm on holiday. I'm in a super chilled state and staying up late every night. Low energy flow. I would prefer (in fact, what I want to do is) to stay home, eat pizza, and watch a movie (or two). It's not the new years many people would cast as No. 1 but it's way more lame to force yourself out when you don't feel like it (and then be buzzing and wrecked the next day due to substances and a hangover, all due to a jam you didn't really want to join). So I am going to remain steadfast in my cosy plans. 

And yes, of course, my lack of desire to go out generally does relate deeply to my unhappiness with my weight. Of course, I won't deny that, least of all here. 

I did a little bit of restricting today. By that I mean I went out to dinner with friends and made really good food choices. Vegetarian sushi platter (so delicious, I'm generally there for the soy sauce, wasabi, rice, avocado combo anyway i.e. no fish, no loss) and then declined ordering at the ice cream place we went to afterward. The toasty waffle smells were amazing but it wasn't too bad. I suppose I could record what I ate. I mean, it's bad, but I suppose the shame and accountability of that ... effort... (?) helped me last time.

So, 

1 black coffee, 

2 x coffee with milk.

1 bagel with salmon, loads of cream cheese and olives

1 bagel with loads of cream cheese and hot sauce 

1 whisky, lime and soda

1 beer

1 veg sushi platter (six avo maki, four avo cucumber fashion sandwiches, four avo cucumber cali rolls)

1/2 glass milk

1/5 bagel

10 (?) pieces of chocolate

4 or 5 chocolate peanuts

I mean, obviously, this is nothing compared to my rice cake days (oh the days of yore) and while I am ashamed of my perpetual picking and nibbling and drinking and BS, tbh, I am not wracked with agony right now. It's food. People eat food. Sigh. Can you see why I have recoveredish. Not enough self-loathing. So much normal perspective. I am thankful. I am. I am. I am. I'm just tired of feeling ugly. It hurts so badly. 

I wanted to come on here and say "oh, I'll try and fast tomorrow" but, really, I won't. I'm tempted, though, to do milky coffees the whole day and then pig out in the evening with this movie. Maybe champagne and sushi... or champagne and pizza... or beer and one of those things. I mean, or do I, I suppose that I'm fucking myself over by not eating in the mornings. I mean I could feel it today with the two bagels at lunch; one was delicious but I had the second purely because I had been missioning around the shops and came home thirsty and starving. I mean I know what "good people" do and that I don't do those things. I just don't know if I can deal with trying and failing all the time. That's kinda why I can't have freedom. In other words, I would be safer (in mind) if I just forced myself to have one slice of peanut butter toast for breakfast every morning no matter what. Ugh. Tiring, isn't it. Wringing my hands over all this nonsense for no reason over and over night after night day after day. Silly girl. But I am so tired of feeling ugly.

Boyf wants me to go with him to his colleagues birthday thing in 24 days time. I can't. I can't. They are incredibly young and beautiful and hot. And I am an awful ugly blob. An old lady who doesn't love herself and can't even have an eating disorder properly. But it's not true though. I love myself better now than I have. I am more comfortable and confident now than I was. I have to be able to let myself be happy without eating whatever I want (clearly I have always strongly associated the two). It can't be that hard, can it? What if I stay here. What if I try and lose a kilogram every 5 days or so. I mean it is possible. Hard for me because I can't stick to my own plans but it is possible. I need to start wearing a ring to remind myself to eat consciously (it catches my eye when I reach for food, basic, I know).

God, I'm rambling. Tired, in a nice placid zone, avoiding bed again. Ugh, I have to clean out that goddamn fridge tomorrow. Okay, I love you, GL.

And no I don't mind that my writing style changes from day to day and I seem like a different person from day to day. This is, in fact, how I am. I think its part of where this thing and we all come from. We are not only one person. We have one body and many people inside.